Live your best life

To be able to trust yourself, you've got to stop betraying yourself for the needs and opinions of others.  Kids come into this world knowing this, instinctively. Kids are not interested in what the world wants or thinks. They will wear stripes and dots and rainbow colours - all on the same day - because that is how they feel, with no regard for how their parents or classmates will perceive them. Kids will tell you with complete certainty that they DO NOT LIKE BROCCOLI and they don't care how nutritious it is.  The problem is some parents cannot handle their child's authenticity. It makes them worried, or insignificant, or helpless. To soothe their own anxiety and insecurity, parents may try to control their child's behaviour or convince them to think differently. Because children want to preserve a good relationship with their parents, they will conform, even at the expense of losing their sense of self.  Therefore as adults, to regain your lost self, and bec...

Any parent knows nagging and lecturing will never result in others taking responsibility. By criticizing, complaining and threatening, you're training others to function in response to you, not to become self-empowered. All you can do is outline your boundaries and allow others to make choices. By empowering yourself, you empower others. That's what brings true serenity. 

You're Tiffany's,  not Goodwill.  Know your worth,  then add tax.  If someone can't  or won't  pay the price of admission  into your life,  you don't go chasing them  or offering discounts.  You recognize that  they're not your target market.  That doesn't mean you  change your value proposition  to better suit their needs -  but you may need to  rethink your go-to-market strategy  and select better prospects. 

Don't fight your anger. It's got something important to tell you if you'll honour it by listening. You are never wrong for feeling angry and no one can tell you when anger is valid; it depends on your personal values. What we usually struggle with is manifesting that anger constructively. Anger serves to push you to make a change for the better in your life, your job, your relationships, your well-being... It's not an excuse to rant, rage and act resentful. An emotion is uncontrollable but your response is your responsibility.  At some point you'll have to stop blaming the things you said or did on mercury being in powerade.. :) You don't need to make excuses for your anger if you honour yourself and respect others.  But respecting others is about HOW you express your anger, it is not about stuffing it inside and only allowing it to come out in small, bitter doses of passive aggressiveness. You're entitled to your feelings and you are allowed to ...

When the unimaginable happens, there is no right thing to say, nothing to be learned, and no reason why it happened. There is room for only kindness and the slow path forward. We share the pain and the grief of our friends to make every moment that follows a bit easier than the last. We stay in hope for them, when they are in despair, and we do not rush their process. We simply hold them when they cry. That is all we can do. 

This beautiful human, one of my dearest friends, and a recent bride, is about to become a mother today (latest tomorrow). Over the past 9 months we've had many conversations about family, parenting, discipline, attachment, happiness and success.  How do you raise a child that's well-adjusted and well-prepared for an unknown future? How do you become a "good" parent? I think there is a natural tendency for most of us to correct, fix, and problem solve when it comes to our kids - but I'd argue that approach is not only less effective, over time it tends to alienate children. Punishment of any kind creates resentment, diminished trust, rebellion, and sometimes even revenge. Some children are defiant, others retreat into themselves and suffer, others lie and hide.  By validating a child, you allow them to be separate and different, and show them they are still loved and accepted.  Good parenting might be as easy as showing up to a f...

Change often begins with a teardown of the way it used to be and the person you used to be. It can be challenging and long and even painful. Preparing a new way takes time. It will be a while until the new path is ready and until you are ready to head out on the new path.  You will need to nurture the little desires along the way to get to the deep desires that will shape your path forward.  And I do not refer to change for the sake of change here - that is almost always a self-image issue. Either you're unhappy with yourself and trying to change to 'be worthy'. Or you're trying to change due to external pressures, because others are unhappy with you and you want them to perceive you as 'worthy'.  First off, you're worthy, as you are, simply because you exist. You need prove, achieve nor demonstrate anything to yourself or anyone else.  Secondly, the only sort of change you need to accept is the change that occurs as a natural result of life expe...

This is what regret looks like... We all worry we won't make the 'right' choice when faced with hard decisions. What's right for us may not be right for others, but we are always looking for objectively 'right reasons' to justify our choice. The inconvenient truth is, we define our own reasons based on who we want to be and what type of life is meaningful and fulfilling to us. The alternative is we drift through life, avoiding hard decisions and letting external factors or people choose for us. We do what we feel we 'should' do and feel a bit empty, or maybe resentful, or just plain disappointed with where we are. We long for the ice cream but can't or won't give up the popsicle; out of fear, insecurity or pragmatism, we deny ourselves the things we want thinking we might grow to appreciate the things we have that clearly don't work for us.

Her form-fitting dress Burning crimson passion His faraway stare A welcoming distraction Such tightly woven threads Tapestry of frustration Her fingers seal her fate As he pines in admiration Hear how she sighs Look how he stretches What's behind those eyes? Hopes, those evil wretches. Half sick of shadows Twice ripped apart Now there is tar Where once there was heart. There's still a glimmer From a glittery past She yearns and lies He answers too fast. How languid the yawn How honest the laugh When once they wrote sonnets But now, love's epitaph.

The first one hurts enough To teach you self-protection The second helps you grow up And try a new direction The third is meant to last And bring illumination. But if it falls apart And leaves you lost and broken It still revives your heart And cracks your life wide open.

Head on a platter, Wreath on a skull. Rolling tobacco, Noose left to burn. Saved up old letters- And a blue satin dress- Are all that is left Of the vanitas death. Rise up from the ashes! Buried in the sand, Broken pocket-watches Tell time at the end. Candles have blown out The moralist story- No life without worry, Memento Mori.

Last night, I was drinking only red On the edge of a hotel bed With a man who thinks he knows me Tonight, I'll go across the street Buy us some cigars Cause I don't want to be lonely.  Lately, I've been playing all these games Is it sad or is it sick? Because there's no escaping this I know it's only a distraction. But I close my eyes And I see deep green, and ocean blue My toes are sinking in quicksand I better wake up before he can Catch up to me  He screams my name And I wish I could be  Free.  This time, I said I wouldn't run But the walls are closing in,  And I'm stuck inside this story Next time, I'll be smarter and I promise  That I won't let it get this deep because  I know there is no glory- In the end. Right now, I wish I could go back Cause its harder when you know What you want is what you lack. And your heart remains a glow Long after it's been broken. Still I...

If your friends don't go on random and extravagant adventures with you just because, are they even your friends? 15 years of friendship with this booger and it's been all mimosas and musicals, with a heavy helping of high teas. Who knew that making fun of white pants and dancing to the Spice Girls during frosh week would turn to long nights drinking bubble tea and watching Gilmore Girls, inaccurate assessments of sexual orientation in sociology class and hours upon hours spent in movie theatres. Daughter of the original inspiration to go big or go home, star of the one play I ever directed, and my Sephora consultant (unpaid), I've driven 4 hours one way to hug her when she was heartbroken. From ski trips with Svetlana and braying Le-ons on the bus, to days spent wandering around tourist attractions, we've experienced winter wonderlands in England, rollercoasters in Canada, popsicles in Central Park and road trips to wine country. Who would have thought ...

I am not medicine, to be taken in doses at your whim I am not something you use to make yourself feel better I am not designed to make you happy. I am neither a security blanket Nor a floor mat, to be used and discarded. I am not your saviour, So do not place me in a tall cage and call it a pedestal. I am not decorative My worth is not up for negotiation I am not an amusement park Or a blank canvas for your ego to paint upon I am not a punching bag for your self-hatred I am not a ship adrift at sea that you must anchor. I will not be your project Because I am not broken and you do not need to fix me. I'm not in need of your good advice. My development is a result of my life experiences Which is neither stopped nor propelled forward by your words Your persuasion will not change me Your love will not raise me up or tear me down Because I am not missing pieces that you need to fill. I cannot be outsourced to process your difficult feelings Your...

If you live in a state of self-loathing, you will think anyone who shows you kindness and love is a fool, or weak, because if they saw you the way you see yourself, they'd hate you too.  You want to be held accountable, you want to be seen - but you're so scared you won't be able to live up to that expectation that you sabotage every possibility of a loving connection.  You lie, but it's so lonely. Because b efore you were a 'bad guy', you were wounded and scared. So you find a way to be tough to make up for the times and ways in which you weren't.  You attract people who  just want to feel special and noticed. They are on a mission to save you. They collapse and don't enforce boundaries. They think they know you - and they have compassion for you - but they want you to know that they know better, they're inoculated against 'your kind' and they will win out in this competition.  But the very people who want to change you are preventing yo...

In all our lives, with the passing of time and formative experiences, new versions of ourselves are born. They come calling or knocking at the door and sending midnight messages. What do we do? We try to ignore them. We generally run and hide. That's alright. Resisting change is natural. Before a rebirth there is always a death; all loss is accompanied by grief and is therefore painful, often overwhelming and even terrifying. But to hold on and stay stagnant after a new version of yourself has been birthed is self-betrayal. You are necessarily denying the next stage of your evolution in order to continue belonging where you are now. If you think grief is painful, please know that if you refuse to answer the call or open the new door, you will continue to suffer until you finally either change or die. You will be consumed by regret and resentment. You will no longer be able to find joy and beauty in life. You will be living out of fear. And that is no life at all. So go ahead, ta...

We started this relationship on the foundation of a vow to build a strong bond and not as a result of one. We placed the value of family above the quality of our life together moment by moment. Perhaps we did it because marriage was an outside source of validation: You are living a good life. You are worthy of committment. But that is too kind to say of us. I think we did it mostly out of fear - the fear of love itself. Love's potential to cause heartbreaking pain is what led us to choose to be free from its power. We had seen the dependence, the tears, the irrational fights, the despair - and it was not how we wanted to live. In each other we found the thing that was guaranteed not to destroy us if it ended. Yet here we were, dying piece by piece and holding on. We reasoned if we were not mad with love, there would be no thrilling highs, it's true, but we'd never have to experience the excruciating lows. We would live in the in-between . You were some...

Here's the middle millennial problem: the life we were sold and prepared for by our Baby Boomer parents is perhaps not possible anymore. I don't know about you but that leaves me feeling a bit jaded and pessimistic, to be perfectly honest. Where do we go from here? We're more pragmatic and realistic than younger millennials because early on, we experienced recession-related unemployment and endured hard competition from older generations in the workforce. We continue to struggle with non-affordable housing despite our incomes, and we lack the social and community connections of our parents and grandparents. This means, that during this time of disillusionment, we have few ways to cope with the stress and no benefits to show for the work. Worst of all - we don't even really know why we're doing it. Boomers wanted stability and security after their parents lacked both during the war. Gen X wanted to balance career ambitions with personal priorities after se...

Here's a reminder: even if the past was painful or the future is daunting, it doesn't mean the present moment is ruined. I laughed listening to a podcast in which Dr Jeremy Goldberg says "Just because Mercury is in Gatorade doesn't mean you get a free pass to be miserable." But that is probably the most eloquent (millennial) way of saying who you are does not depend on external circumstances or even internal emotions. There is always a choice in how you respond. Why not choose happiness over heartbreak right now? You might have been betrayed yesterday and you might be worried you'll never love again - but right now, in this moment, you can allow yourself a little peace and joy. Why not choose compassion instead of blame? You lost your job. Instead of blame, just chalk it up to not being a good fit and treating yourself with kindness as you remember you are not your job. You might feel a lot of fear about what's next. Allow for the possibil...

#worldsuicidepreventionday If your story sucks right now, just remember it's not over yet. The most beautiful things can come after the darkest of times. If the suffering feels too heavy to carry, let someone help you. You are not broken beyond repair. The best is yet to come.

Sometimes the deliberate strategy you started out with is not as good as the emergent opportunity that comes up along the way. You're always changing and growing - but you'll never know what's possible if you keep clutching to your past ideas of what worked, or who you thought you were. Try something new this week. Go with what feels right. Go with something you like just because you like it. The world needs more happy people who are pursuing their bliss, not more resentful people being held back by what they "should" do.

The Sunday gospel according to Alice: Have you noticed how we carefully tread through life hoping to 'safely make it to death'? We second guess and over analyze what we are naturally drawn to and make excuses to maintain the things that don't satisfy us. We say we are unqualified or undeserving of happy fortune and shoot ourselves in the foot before we have a chance to prove ourselves wrong. We try to simplify the multitudes contained within each person by unfairly labelling them based on momentary feelings. We say we are constantly exhausted and wish we could escape while over-complicating our daily lives with busyness that drains us. We grieve because of the depths of our love while wishing it could be erased from our memory. We promote fear to our children as the habit that has kept us safe, while simultaneously admitting that it has ruined the very best parts of life for us. How tragically ordinary it is to exist without feeling alive and to die without ever having live...

You're easy to control when you don't know what you want and you're not sure what you deserve. Someone will come along and use you as a means to their end. You'll help them feel better about their own insecurities. This will trap you in a cycle of trying to build an identity through meeting their needs and making them happy. You'll become, at best, 'medicine' for that person or at worst, a DIY project.  If you're wondering if this is you, ask yourself: Will this person still care about me and treat me lovingly if I don't do what they want?  Will they respect my desire to change this relationship dynamic?  How much of my interactions with this person revolve around me compromising my own needs in order to meet theirs? Am I often 'wrong' or 'at fault' and responsible for 'fixing' their mood?

Persistent indecision is an invitation to change. But how do you figure out what you really want? Try these exercises: -Identify all the "shoulds" that perpetually stand in your way but haven't led to joy yet.  -Get really specific about what upsets you.  -Imagine new possibilities. Dream big, then dream bigger.  -Follow the things that intrigue you (if you're a thinker) or make you feel light and energetic (if you're a feeler).  'Uncomplicate' the decision by trusting your inner voice - the things that are proven to fulfill you do not require you to over-rationalize them.  "I  throw my heart into  the  world they  way  they shoot t - shirts out  of  t - shirt cannons in  concerts." -Liz Gilbert

Meditation does not cure all problems - rather it gives you the tools to handle all problems with grace. The biggest of problems is emotional reactivity. From a meditative state, it is easier to respond with intention rather than react mindlessly.  If you've never tried meditation but are searching for a way to live more peacefully and intentionally in the world, here are some tips on how to start: At first, holding an intention/ affirmation / mantra in your mind is easier than trying to eradicate all thought. For example: "Suffering is an opportunity for growth." or "I am loving and kind." Breathing and posture matter: 1. Breathe in for a count of 8. Hold for a count of 8. Exhale for a count of 8. Hold for a count of 8. 2. Find a position that helps you focus and relax. Sit, lie down, whatever works. Guided meditations help me get in the right head space. Try out a few until you find one that resonates. Yoga can put you in a meditative st...

We can understand why someone behaves a certain way and have compassion for their experience, AND STILL not tolerate sh*tty behaviour. Sometimes, that means limiting contact. And that's ok! Your peace of mind is more important than their temporary discomfort. Being vulnerable with the wrong people will eventually lead you to shut down. So you do need to preserve your energy to a certain extent. The key is doing it lovingly and gently. We are all fragile.

Your strengths will bring you external success, but self-acceptance will make you  indestructible. When you show yourself mercy and compassion, you heal the shame accumulated by not being perfect. The world tries to tell you that your job is to blame, pretend or punish yourself, or it tells you, with nicer words, to achieve, to fix, to improve. But you only need to remind yourself of your goodness even as you make mistake after mistake, even as you spot flaw after flaw, even as you doubt, worry and  fear. Not worthy "if" or "when", just worthy, always.

In life you get: A. What you think you're worthy of receiving B. What you've mistakenly coded as "good" but is actually dangerous and toxic If you're not happy with what you've been getting, change one or both of the above.

Things that are sexy, in no particular order: a good sense of humour generosity reliability / consistency kindness self-motivation / effort vulnerability taking responsibility for your feelings and your life compassion paying attention Things that are not sexy: anger ego controlling behaviour victim mindset negativity complaining fearful living intolerance carelessness stick-up-buttness being rude Looks have little to do with this, other than, perhaps, the expression on your face.

The only people who choose safety over vulnerability are those who were previously vulnerable with the wrong people, at the wrong time, in the wrong way and got hurt. Safety is chosen over what one truly wants because it is easier to suffer the pain of losing the safe choice as opposed to losing one's first choice.

When you choose what is safe You will never suffer because Pain is bearable when you only 'almost' care But you will not know joy, or love Nor the kind of passion that enlivens you. That would be too scary - Because you dare not risk losing THAT. Instead, you will seek it around every corner In every person, and all around Because you have not given yourself The gift of the life you always dreamed of And instead you chose safety.

To understand one another and ourselves, we need the courage to be compassionately curious, that is, to become comfortable with not knowing while holding each other in unconditional positive regard. Without the acceptance of uncertainty, love is conditional - self-serving and manipulative. Everyone is so terrified of the core existential pain of life that we've all spent most of our life avoiding it. We believe that because we could not handle it as children, we can't handle it now. And this is so untrue. We CAN handle pain - but only with compassion. We cannot handle it alone, and we cannot handle it by resisting it.  When we compassionately handle our pain, we have no need to judge, withdraw, disconnect, criticize, get angry, resist, or turn to substance or process addictions. We bypass all the things we do that cause our suffering.

You are more than a thought, a label, a set of beliefs, roles or functions: only your ego identifies with these things. Knowing your true self is rooted in simply BEING. Breathe. Be present in the moment. You are awareness.

This little nugget is having a lot of firsts this weekend:  -first weekend away at Girl Guides camp -first time packing her own bag -first time eating hard shell tacos -first time cleaning toilets... I am so excited for her! I can’t wait to hear all about the scavenger hunts and the campfires, the friendships and the conquered fears. I know she will be the boss of yoga class and the best chef and cleaner. She’ll be scared to try new things unless she has a buddy who is even more scared, in which case, she’ll step up and be the bravest. She’ll be shy at first but her laughter will ring out the loudest by Sunday morning. She is my first, and she has taught me all my important life lessons: - that love is unconditional - that kindness is a religion - that acceptance is worth more than anything else you could give someone - that creativity and fun are always a priority.  Everything I do is better because of her: my work, my friends...

No disrespect to vulnerability, but that's not the end goal. Being vulnerable at the wrong time, with the wrong person can force your heart shut faster than you can say "courage". The point is to create an atmosphere of trust, safety, and respect so that vulnerability is a natural choice, and not a terrifying leap you'll regret later.

$1700/mo for 1-bedroom apartment in Toronto. That's over $20,000 a year (as a reference point, a single person with a salary of $52,000/ yr is actually getting $40,000 after tax. Let's talk about how we're not supposed to spend over 25% of our income on fixed living costs, and pretend we don't need to save for retirement. How can you support a child or a family in Toronto? How do you come to terms with home ownership not being a realistic goal in your lifetime? How do you afford a car AND an apartment... or are you supposed to choose? I guess since all we do is work and spend time on our phones, we probably don't care about any of those things. And those rising rates of depression and anxiety must be because we were coddled as children and not because no matter how hard we try to live our parents' version of a successful life, we can't achieve it without the sacrifice of our souls and sanity. So yeah, I guess that's why we wonder endlessly if it's ...

It's not enough to learn to use your strengths. You must accept yourself as you are - no ifs, ands, or buts. This radical acceptance will become your superpower, and you will no longer need to use people or distractions to treat your insecurities. Accepting yourself is a sort of re-parenting that reminds you that you are lovable, you have intrinsic worth, and you belong (if not here, then somewhere else). Most importantly, you remember these 3 truths: 1. You matter (not more or less than others - just as much) 2. You have always been good enough (so you start acting like it) 3. You can trust in the beauty and goodness of who you really are (so you stop listening to everyone else, and instead turn inward). Everything we do in the world should serve these truths. And if we are parents, we must raise our children in such a way that they do not ever abandon or reject themselves.

Some of us are so caught up trying to get water from a dry well we completely miss the oasis in the distance. Or worse, we see the oasis and choose to wait the well out, or improve our digging habits, as though through sheer determination and resourcefulness we could survive in the desert without water forever.

If you're facing some challenging family situations this weekend, remember to breathe deep, take it easy, and forgive yourself and those around you... whether it's for a problematic past, a frightening future and/ or a painful present. Everyone is holding some pain accumulated years ago, unprocessed and sensitive to the touch. Years later the mind relives and reacts to moments that remind us of this emotional pain. It's ok. Accept it, hold it, and release with the consciousness of the adult you are now. You can overcome it. You don't need to be scared or reject it, or wish it away.  Your cross is your spiritual path - it's going to lead you where you need to go, and it will prepare you along the way. It won't always be this hard. 

Some of us spend far too long trying to meet the needs and demands of others, in exchange for their conditional love, acceptance or praise. It could be a boss, a parent, or a partner who's got demands, criticisms, particular needs. At first they are only judgmental  about others, but pretty soon, those judgments are directed at you, and if you don't do as they want, be prepared for a storm of hate and anger. Why do we put up with this? Because it's too hard to accept that if someone wants you to change, they don't really like you, so we change instead. We are so afraid we won't be accepted, we'll agree to anything that masquerades as love - but the truth is, love that is conditional is as fraudulent as the person offering it.  So then we find ourselves living out of fear of being unloved at any moment - as if that were possible, if the love was real. Is it any wonder our self-worth is shit? Because deep down we know the other person is settling for us - an...