Some of us spend far too long trying to meet the needs and demands of others, in exchange for their conditional love, acceptance or praise. It could be a boss, a parent, or a partner who's got demands, criticisms, particular needs. At first they are only judgmental about others, but pretty soon, those judgments are directed at you, and if you don't do as they want, be prepared for a storm of hate and anger.
Why do we put up with this? Because it's too hard to accept that if someone wants you to change, they don't really like you, so we change instead. We are so afraid we won't be accepted, we'll agree to anything that masquerades as love - but the truth is, love that is conditional is as fraudulent as the person offering it.
So then we find ourselves living out of fear of being unloved at any moment - as if that were possible, if the love was real.
Is it any wonder our self-worth is shit? Because deep down we know the other person is settling for us - and they need us to perform in a certain way in order to make them feel like they made a good choice. Or they need us to behave in a specific way that protects all their sensitive parts so that they can feel they are a good person / partner / boss / friend without having to do any major work on themselves. We know the person is selfish and simply needs someone to make them feel better about themselves - that is why they picked us: because our need to please and prove we are "good people" drives us more than a commitment to ourselves.
Anyone who's loved unconditionally knows your love has no beginning, no end, no limitations and no bargains. Anyone who makes you feel as though love is conditional does not love you. Read again. They do not love you. They probably don't love themselves either, but have enough self-respect not to sign up for the project of teaching them love.
Why do we put up with this? Because it's too hard to accept that if someone wants you to change, they don't really like you, so we change instead. We are so afraid we won't be accepted, we'll agree to anything that masquerades as love - but the truth is, love that is conditional is as fraudulent as the person offering it.
So then we find ourselves living out of fear of being unloved at any moment - as if that were possible, if the love was real.
Is it any wonder our self-worth is shit? Because deep down we know the other person is settling for us - and they need us to perform in a certain way in order to make them feel like they made a good choice. Or they need us to behave in a specific way that protects all their sensitive parts so that they can feel they are a good person / partner / boss / friend without having to do any major work on themselves. We know the person is selfish and simply needs someone to make them feel better about themselves - that is why they picked us: because our need to please and prove we are "good people" drives us more than a commitment to ourselves.
Anyone who's loved unconditionally knows your love has no beginning, no end, no limitations and no bargains. Anyone who makes you feel as though love is conditional does not love you. Read again. They do not love you. They probably don't love themselves either, but have enough self-respect not to sign up for the project of teaching them love.
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