Live your best life

If you live in a state of self-loathing, you will think anyone who shows you kindness and love is a fool, or weak, because if they saw you the way you see yourself, they'd hate you too.  You want to be held accountable, you want to be seen - but you're so scared you won't be able to live up to that expectation that you sabotage every possibility of a loving connection.  You lie, but it's so lonely. Because b efore you were a 'bad guy', you were wounded and scared. So you find a way to be tough to make up for the times and ways in which you weren't.  You attract people who  just want to feel special and noticed. They are on a mission to save you. They collapse and don't enforce boundaries. They think they know you - and they have compassion for you - but they want you to know that they know better, they're inoculated against 'your kind' and they will win out in this competition.  But the very people who want to change you are preventing yo...

In all our lives, with the passing of time and formative experiences, new versions of ourselves are born. They come calling or knocking at the door and sending midnight messages. What do we do? We try to ignore them. We generally run and hide. That's alright. Resisting change is natural. Before a rebirth there is always a death; all loss is accompanied by grief and is therefore painful, often overwhelming and even terrifying. But to hold on and stay stagnant after a new version of yourself has been birthed is self-betrayal. You are necessarily denying the next stage of your evolution in order to continue belonging where you are now. If you think grief is painful, please know that if you refuse to answer the call or open the new door, you will continue to suffer until you finally either change or die. You will be consumed by regret and resentment. You will no longer be able to find joy and beauty in life. You will be living out of fear. And that is no life at all. So go ahead, ta...

We started this relationship on the foundation of a vow to build a strong bond and not as a result of one. We placed the value of family above the quality of our life together moment by moment. Perhaps we did it because marriage was an outside source of validation: You are living a good life. You are worthy of committment. But that is too kind to say of us. I think we did it mostly out of fear - the fear of love itself. Love's potential to cause heartbreaking pain is what led us to choose to be free from its power. We had seen the dependence, the tears, the irrational fights, the despair - and it was not how we wanted to live. In each other we found the thing that was guaranteed not to destroy us if it ended. Yet here we were, dying piece by piece and holding on. We reasoned if we were not mad with love, there would be no thrilling highs, it's true, but we'd never have to experience the excruciating lows. We would live in the in-between . You were some...

Here's the middle millennial problem: the life we were sold and prepared for by our Baby Boomer parents is perhaps not possible anymore. I don't know about you but that leaves me feeling a bit jaded and pessimistic, to be perfectly honest. Where do we go from here? We're more pragmatic and realistic than younger millennials because early on, we experienced recession-related unemployment and endured hard competition from older generations in the workforce. We continue to struggle with non-affordable housing despite our incomes, and we lack the social and community connections of our parents and grandparents. This means, that during this time of disillusionment, we have few ways to cope with the stress and no benefits to show for the work. Worst of all - we don't even really know why we're doing it. Boomers wanted stability and security after their parents lacked both during the war. Gen X wanted to balance career ambitions with personal priorities after se...

Here's a reminder: even if the past was painful or the future is daunting, it doesn't mean the present moment is ruined. I laughed listening to a podcast in which Dr Jeremy Goldberg says "Just because Mercury is in Gatorade doesn't mean you get a free pass to be miserable." But that is probably the most eloquent (millennial) way of saying who you are does not depend on external circumstances or even internal emotions. There is always a choice in how you respond. Why not choose happiness over heartbreak right now? You might have been betrayed yesterday and you might be worried you'll never love again - but right now, in this moment, you can allow yourself a little peace and joy. Why not choose compassion instead of blame? You lost your job. Instead of blame, just chalk it up to not being a good fit and treating yourself with kindness as you remember you are not your job. You might feel a lot of fear about what's next. Allow for the possibil...

#worldsuicidepreventionday If your story sucks right now, just remember it's not over yet. The most beautiful things can come after the darkest of times. If the suffering feels too heavy to carry, let someone help you. You are not broken beyond repair. The best is yet to come.

Sometimes the deliberate strategy you started out with is not as good as the emergent opportunity that comes up along the way. You're always changing and growing - but you'll never know what's possible if you keep clutching to your past ideas of what worked, or who you thought you were. Try something new this week. Go with what feels right. Go with something you like just because you like it. The world needs more happy people who are pursuing their bliss, not more resentful people being held back by what they "should" do.

The Sunday gospel according to Alice: Have you noticed how we carefully tread through life hoping to 'safely make it to death'? We second guess and over analyze what we are naturally drawn to and make excuses to maintain the things that don't satisfy us. We say we are unqualified or undeserving of happy fortune and shoot ourselves in the foot before we have a chance to prove ourselves wrong. We try to simplify the multitudes contained within each person by unfairly labelling them based on momentary feelings. We say we are constantly exhausted and wish we could escape while over-complicating our daily lives with busyness that drains us. We grieve because of the depths of our love while wishing it could be erased from our memory. We promote fear to our children as the habit that has kept us safe, while simultaneously admitting that it has ruined the very best parts of life for us. How tragically ordinary it is to exist without feeling alive and to die without ever having live...

You're easy to control when you don't know what you want and you're not sure what you deserve. Someone will come along and use you as a means to their end. You'll help them feel better about their own insecurities. This will trap you in a cycle of trying to build an identity through meeting their needs and making them happy. You'll become, at best, 'medicine' for that person or at worst, a DIY project.  If you're wondering if this is you, ask yourself: Will this person still care about me and treat me lovingly if I don't do what they want?  Will they respect my desire to change this relationship dynamic?  How much of my interactions with this person revolve around me compromising my own needs in order to meet theirs? Am I often 'wrong' or 'at fault' and responsible for 'fixing' their mood?

Persistent indecision is an invitation to change. But how do you figure out what you really want? Try these exercises: -Identify all the "shoulds" that perpetually stand in your way but haven't led to joy yet.  -Get really specific about what upsets you.  -Imagine new possibilities. Dream big, then dream bigger.  -Follow the things that intrigue you (if you're a thinker) or make you feel light and energetic (if you're a feeler).  'Uncomplicate' the decision by trusting your inner voice - the things that are proven to fulfill you do not require you to over-rationalize them.  "I  throw my heart into  the  world they  way  they shoot t - shirts out  of  t - shirt cannons in  concerts." -Liz Gilbert

Meditation does not cure all problems - rather it gives you the tools to handle all problems with grace. The biggest of problems is emotional reactivity. From a meditative state, it is easier to respond with intention rather than react mindlessly.  If you've never tried meditation but are searching for a way to live more peacefully and intentionally in the world, here are some tips on how to start: At first, holding an intention/ affirmation / mantra in your mind is easier than trying to eradicate all thought. For example: "Suffering is an opportunity for growth." or "I am loving and kind." Breathing and posture matter: 1. Breathe in for a count of 8. Hold for a count of 8. Exhale for a count of 8. Hold for a count of 8. 2. Find a position that helps you focus and relax. Sit, lie down, whatever works. Guided meditations help me get in the right head space. Try out a few until you find one that resonates. Yoga can put you in a meditative st...

We can understand why someone behaves a certain way and have compassion for their experience, AND STILL not tolerate sh*tty behaviour. Sometimes, that means limiting contact. And that's ok! Your peace of mind is more important than their temporary discomfort. Being vulnerable with the wrong people will eventually lead you to shut down. So you do need to preserve your energy to a certain extent. The key is doing it lovingly and gently. We are all fragile.

Your strengths will bring you external success, but self-acceptance will make you  indestructible. When you show yourself mercy and compassion, you heal the shame accumulated by not being perfect. The world tries to tell you that your job is to blame, pretend or punish yourself, or it tells you, with nicer words, to achieve, to fix, to improve. But you only need to remind yourself of your goodness even as you make mistake after mistake, even as you spot flaw after flaw, even as you doubt, worry and  fear. Not worthy "if" or "when", just worthy, always.

In life you get: A. What you think you're worthy of receiving B. What you've mistakenly coded as "good" but is actually dangerous and toxic If you're not happy with what you've been getting, change one or both of the above.

Things that are sexy, in no particular order: a good sense of humour generosity reliability / consistency kindness self-motivation / effort vulnerability taking responsibility for your feelings and your life compassion paying attention Things that are not sexy: anger ego controlling behaviour victim mindset negativity complaining fearful living intolerance carelessness stick-up-buttness being rude Looks have little to do with this, other than, perhaps, the expression on your face.

The only people who choose safety over vulnerability are those who were previously vulnerable with the wrong people, at the wrong time, in the wrong way and got hurt. Safety is chosen over what one truly wants because it is easier to suffer the pain of losing the safe choice as opposed to losing one's first choice.

When you choose what is safe You will never suffer because Pain is bearable when you only 'almost' care But you will not know joy, or love Nor the kind of passion that enlivens you. That would be too scary - Because you dare not risk losing THAT. Instead, you will seek it around every corner In every person, and all around Because you have not given yourself The gift of the life you always dreamed of And instead you chose safety.

To understand one another and ourselves, we need the courage to be compassionately curious, that is, to become comfortable with not knowing while holding each other in unconditional positive regard. Without the acceptance of uncertainty, love is conditional - self-serving and manipulative. Everyone is so terrified of the core existential pain of life that we've all spent most of our life avoiding it. We believe that because we could not handle it as children, we can't handle it now. And this is so untrue. We CAN handle pain - but only with compassion. We cannot handle it alone, and we cannot handle it by resisting it.  When we compassionately handle our pain, we have no need to judge, withdraw, disconnect, criticize, get angry, resist, or turn to substance or process addictions. We bypass all the things we do that cause our suffering.

You are more than a thought, a label, a set of beliefs, roles or functions: only your ego identifies with these things. Knowing your true self is rooted in simply BEING. Breathe. Be present in the moment. You are awareness.

This little nugget is having a lot of firsts this weekend:  -first weekend away at Girl Guides camp -first time packing her own bag -first time eating hard shell tacos -first time cleaning toilets... I am so excited for her! I can’t wait to hear all about the scavenger hunts and the campfires, the friendships and the conquered fears. I know she will be the boss of yoga class and the best chef and cleaner. She’ll be scared to try new things unless she has a buddy who is even more scared, in which case, she’ll step up and be the bravest. She’ll be shy at first but her laughter will ring out the loudest by Sunday morning. She is my first, and she has taught me all my important life lessons: - that love is unconditional - that kindness is a religion - that acceptance is worth more than anything else you could give someone - that creativity and fun are always a priority.  Everything I do is better because of her: my work, my friends...

No disrespect to vulnerability, but that's not the end goal. Being vulnerable at the wrong time, with the wrong person can force your heart shut faster than you can say "courage". The point is to create an atmosphere of trust, safety, and respect so that vulnerability is a natural choice, and not a terrifying leap you'll regret later.

$1700/mo for 1-bedroom apartment in Toronto. That's over $20,000 a year (as a reference point, a single person with a salary of $52,000/ yr is actually getting $40,000 after tax. Let's talk about how we're not supposed to spend over 25% of our income on fixed living costs, and pretend we don't need to save for retirement. How can you support a child or a family in Toronto? How do you come to terms with home ownership not being a realistic goal in your lifetime? How do you afford a car AND an apartment... or are you supposed to choose? I guess since all we do is work and spend time on our phones, we probably don't care about any of those things. And those rising rates of depression and anxiety must be because we were coddled as children and not because no matter how hard we try to live our parents' version of a successful life, we can't achieve it without the sacrifice of our souls and sanity. So yeah, I guess that's why we wonder endlessly if it's ...

It's not enough to learn to use your strengths. You must accept yourself as you are - no ifs, ands, or buts. This radical acceptance will become your superpower, and you will no longer need to use people or distractions to treat your insecurities. Accepting yourself is a sort of re-parenting that reminds you that you are lovable, you have intrinsic worth, and you belong (if not here, then somewhere else). Most importantly, you remember these 3 truths: 1. You matter (not more or less than others - just as much) 2. You have always been good enough (so you start acting like it) 3. You can trust in the beauty and goodness of who you really are (so you stop listening to everyone else, and instead turn inward). Everything we do in the world should serve these truths. And if we are parents, we must raise our children in such a way that they do not ever abandon or reject themselves.

Some of us are so caught up trying to get water from a dry well we completely miss the oasis in the distance. Or worse, we see the oasis and choose to wait the well out, or improve our digging habits, as though through sheer determination and resourcefulness we could survive in the desert without water forever.

If you're facing some challenging family situations this weekend, remember to breathe deep, take it easy, and forgive yourself and those around you... whether it's for a problematic past, a frightening future and/ or a painful present. Everyone is holding some pain accumulated years ago, unprocessed and sensitive to the touch. Years later the mind relives and reacts to moments that remind us of this emotional pain. It's ok. Accept it, hold it, and release with the consciousness of the adult you are now. You can overcome it. You don't need to be scared or reject it, or wish it away.  Your cross is your spiritual path - it's going to lead you where you need to go, and it will prepare you along the way. It won't always be this hard. 

Some of us spend far too long trying to meet the needs and demands of others, in exchange for their conditional love, acceptance or praise. It could be a boss, a parent, or a partner who's got demands, criticisms, particular needs. At first they are only judgmental  about others, but pretty soon, those judgments are directed at you, and if you don't do as they want, be prepared for a storm of hate and anger. Why do we put up with this? Because it's too hard to accept that if someone wants you to change, they don't really like you, so we change instead. We are so afraid we won't be accepted, we'll agree to anything that masquerades as love - but the truth is, love that is conditional is as fraudulent as the person offering it.  So then we find ourselves living out of fear of being unloved at any moment - as if that were possible, if the love was real. Is it any wonder our self-worth is shit? Because deep down we know the other person is settling for us - an...

This star- Part of our constellation Just a picture in the sky Is it the story of creation Or a comet flying by? Call it the legend of a princess Her light shining from on high More than a memory in moonlight- A guiding compass in the night. We've only stars to wish upon A meteor to strike the heart A fire's glow when summer's gone Fireflies to soothe the fright. This candle's burning in the past A foretold destiny - Patterns change, but stories last like Light years woven in a tapestry. And now, there's Only space, Only light.

Excerpt from The Seeker's Guide by  Elizabeth Lesser Old Spirituality ·          Who Has Authority?  The hierarchy has the authority. Church authorities tell you how to worship in church and how to behave outside of church. ·          What Is Spirituality?  God, and the path to worship Him, have already been defined. All you need to do is follow the directions. ·          What Is the Path to God?  There is only one path. It is the right way and all other ways are wrong. ·          What Is Sacred?  Parts of yourself—like the body, or ego, or emotions—are evil. Deny or transcend or sublimate them or they will lead you astray. ·          What Is the Truth?  The truth is like a rock. Your understanding of it should never waver. Therefore ask the sam...

Ever feel like you need to change to be "good enough"? We all have habits or traits we've been told we should change in order to be successful or accepted. What would happen if instead you chose to accept yourself exactly as you are, no ifs, ands or buts? What if growth is not a self-improvement project but a step toward self-actualization? What if it means peeling away layers of bullshit we're accumulated over the years that doesn't serve us anymore? That would mean everything you needed was already within you and you just needed to be open and willing to step into your destiny and welcome into your life what is meant for you. That might mean rejecting limiting beliefs about the right and wrong way to be or to live. It might mean accepting a different outcome than what you originally envisioned. It might even mean changing your environment to better suit your needs. And it's hard to deal with external criticism and judgement about your choices. But it tak...

"The tree doesn't bend its branches  To help the wind make them sway or  To make it easier for the child to climb.  The birds don't question whether the worm  Is a reward - if there, and if not - a punishment.  The grass doesn't work to earn the sun's loving rays  and  The flowers don't wonder if they deserve to be watered  Any more than the squirrel changes the way it buries its food.  The caterpillar does not chase the butterfly to learn how to be better in order to be accepted.  Nature is unconditional, like love: flowing and free."

The wanting self  is the you that didn't get what you wanted or needed in the past, and who worries that you never will. This wanting self thinks it must be "good enough" to receive love, professional success, and desired outcomes in general. So it is constantly on a quest to become, earn and deserve that which it desires. It is particularly drawn to pessimistic outlooks, not because it is inherently negative or flawed in any way, but because it has been conditioned to be alert and fix or correct an external mood or situation in order to be loved, as though love can be earned or deserved. The wanting self gets stuck in patterns created by past experiences of lacking, needing and wanting validation because it fears it will not get a desired outcome "as it is". The wanting self worries it is not successful enough, or clever enough, positive enough or handsome enough. So it tries to fix itself, or the world around it, to create the perfect conditions to receive a...

I may be off-base But I think I recognize it This desire to give As a way to provide Yourself with a pleasing identity. A way to be loving A way to be loved Giving up your own needs  For the sake of harmony. Did you have a mother who was always sad? Were you the one to delight her? Did you face the pain of choosing a path That took you away or made you unkindly? Was your brother the asshole And you didn’t mind it Because it meant you could be the one To fix feelings all around you. And when you were older Did you pick girls that reminded You of the woman who was always demanding? And did you feel good  When you provided  All of the joy that wasn’t inside her? But when you messed up Were you the same disappointment? The boy who was (never) good enough But couldn’t stop striving. I hope one day you see That you’re worthy of love Without needing to give Or be perfect. Above all I hope you reme...

My wolf is dressed like a pharisee This masquerade ball descends on me I call his bluff - my hypocrisy His song is sweet but my heart's too free We swindle ourselves, playing and cheating desire Crooked con artists, pretending we have some power We set off a flame except we don't play with fire Just two charlatans crying in the moonlight hour Still I love this fraud, I know this deceit I know why we please and why we are weak We need to be perfect, so we will lie We must craft an image while we slowly die. So paint me like this, in the morning light With the dress on the floor where you left it last night Write me a song about our only fight I promise I'll listen when the time is right Kiss me tonight to make up for this life Whisper your secrets before we must run Call out my name in your dreams with your wife We don't know how to love if it's not fun Let's set this thing free, let it go, let it be Of course we are both cast...

This is for everyone who's been let down Who's been broken and afraid Who gave too much, or not at all Who wasn't met. You, who were manipulated and coerced You, who heard only vile words You, who cried alone at night Know this: That wasn't love. Love is not enmeshed with pain Love is not something that is taken Or demanded, or even given It plays no games It takes no pleasure out of pain It harbors no contempt No anger or regret Love does not depend on another Love does not fear Love does not punish Love doesn't hurt. Love is a state of being The beauty that you choose to be It is kindness and compassion It is goodness and hope. Love keeps no score It makes no wounds It is not careless or rude. Love is always there Just past the broken heart Beyond the hiding place. Love is found within the soul Of those who choose to be love. When two such souls come together The world around them is a brighter, better place Because they ...

I could say to myself of the love (I had): Let it not be immortal, since it is flame But let it be infinite while it lasts. -Vinicius de Moraes Change is the only constant. I could change forever with you. The seasons of my life move with the seasons of you. And you move in time with my mood.

The place between Your head and heart, Where the pulsing of life can be felt With lips pressed to skin That is the origin Of my feeling - Simply because you exist. How many lifetimes of kisses Can fit into one night You are the place I come home to This shoulder is my respite This back is never turned Here I don’t need to hide The more I am open, the more you come in The more that I laugh, the more you are brave Here we are awkward, Here we are kind.

Just because something isn't right for you doesn't make it completely wrong. Just because someone doesn't bring out the best in you doesn't automatically mean they bring out the worst in you. No one struggles to give up the bad for the good. What people are unwilling to do is give up the certainty and safety of 'good enough' and 'ok' for the thrilling yet terrifying possibility of 'amazing'.

Ask me anything - I'll do what I can. Take what you need - but not at my expense, please. Receive graciously all that I offer you. Give without regard for what you get in return. Share all that you have generously and carefully. Refuse anything that compromises your integrity. Play like a child, imagine, create, laugh and have fun as if your life depended on it.

The paradox of our modern world is we tell people to make choices based on what they love, what lights them up and makes them happy... and then we tell them to sacrifice, endure and adapt when those things are gone. So you basically only get one shot at choosing your bliss and then we'll shame you into sticking it out regardless of whether it continues to satisfy your needs. Huh? How does it make sense to promote human development and growth and at the same time tell people to stay stuck and try harder? If humans evolve, then needs and personalities do too. It is ok to seek happiness at every stage. If we're the generation that fights against the stiff upper lip and lying back and thinking of England, then we need to encourage people to make edits to their life as needed, without judgement.