Live your best life

In life you get: A. What you think you're worthy of receiving B. What you've mistakenly coded as "good" but is actually dangerous and toxic If you're not happy with what you've been getting, change one or both of the above.

Things that are sexy, in no particular order: a good sense of humour generosity reliability / consistency kindness self-motivation / effort vulnerability taking responsibility for your feelings and your life compassion paying attention Things that are not sexy: anger ego controlling behaviour victim mindset negativity complaining fearful living intolerance carelessness stick-up-buttness being rude Looks have little to do with this, other than, perhaps, the expression on your face.

The only people who choose safety over vulnerability are those who were previously vulnerable with the wrong people, at the wrong time, in the wrong way and got hurt. Safety is chosen over what one truly wants because it is easier to suffer the pain of losing the safe choice as opposed to losing one's first choice.

When you choose what is safe You will never suffer because Pain is bearable when you only 'almost' care But you will not know joy, or love Nor the kind of passion that enlivens you. That would be too scary - Because you dare not risk losing THAT. Instead, you will seek it around every corner In every person, and all around Because you have not given yourself The gift of the life you always dreamed of And instead you chose safety.

To understand one another and ourselves, we need the courage to be compassionately curious, that is, to become comfortable with not knowing while holding each other in unconditional positive regard. Without the acceptance of uncertainty, love is conditional - self-serving and manipulative. Everyone is so terrified of the core existential pain of life that we've all spent most of our life avoiding it. We believe that because we could not handle it as children, we can't handle it now. And this is so untrue. We CAN handle pain - but only with compassion. We cannot handle it alone, and we cannot handle it by resisting it.  When we compassionately handle our pain, we have no need to judge, withdraw, disconnect, criticize, get angry, resist, or turn to substance or process addictions. We bypass all the things we do that cause our suffering.

You are more than a thought, a label, a set of beliefs, roles or functions: only your ego identifies with these things. Knowing your true self is rooted in simply BEING. Breathe. Be present in the moment. You are awareness.

This little nugget is having a lot of firsts this weekend:  -first weekend away at Girl Guides camp -first time packing her own bag -first time eating hard shell tacos -first time cleaning toilets... I am so excited for her! I can’t wait to hear all about the scavenger hunts and the campfires, the friendships and the conquered fears. I know she will be the boss of yoga class and the best chef and cleaner. She’ll be scared to try new things unless she has a buddy who is even more scared, in which case, she’ll step up and be the bravest. She’ll be shy at first but her laughter will ring out the loudest by Sunday morning. She is my first, and she has taught me all my important life lessons: - that love is unconditional - that kindness is a religion - that acceptance is worth more than anything else you could give someone - that creativity and fun are always a priority.  Everything I do is better because of her: my work, my friends...

No disrespect to vulnerability, but that's not the end goal. Being vulnerable at the wrong time, with the wrong person can force your heart shut faster than you can say "courage". The point is to create an atmosphere of trust, safety, and respect so that vulnerability is a natural choice, and not a terrifying leap you'll regret later.

$1700/mo for 1-bedroom apartment in Toronto. That's over $20,000 a year (as a reference point, a single person with a salary of $52,000/ yr is actually getting $40,000 after tax. Let's talk about how we're not supposed to spend over 25% of our income on fixed living costs, and pretend we don't need to save for retirement. How can you support a child or a family in Toronto? How do you come to terms with home ownership not being a realistic goal in your lifetime? How do you afford a car AND an apartment... or are you supposed to choose? I guess since all we do is work and spend time on our phones, we probably don't care about any of those things. And those rising rates of depression and anxiety must be because we were coddled as children and not because no matter how hard we try to live our parents' version of a successful life, we can't achieve it without the sacrifice of our souls and sanity. So yeah, I guess that's why we wonder endlessly if it's ...

It's not enough to learn to use your strengths. You must accept yourself as you are - no ifs, ands, or buts. This radical acceptance will become your superpower, and you will no longer need to use people or distractions to treat your insecurities. Accepting yourself is a sort of re-parenting that reminds you that you are lovable, you have intrinsic worth, and you belong (if not here, then somewhere else). Most importantly, you remember these 3 truths: 1. You matter (not more or less than others - just as much) 2. You have always been good enough (so you start acting like it) 3. You can trust in the beauty and goodness of who you really are (so you stop listening to everyone else, and instead turn inward). Everything we do in the world should serve these truths. And if we are parents, we must raise our children in such a way that they do not ever abandon or reject themselves.

Some of us are so caught up trying to get water from a dry well we completely miss the oasis in the distance. Or worse, we see the oasis and choose to wait the well out, or improve our digging habits, as though through sheer determination and resourcefulness we could survive in the desert without water forever.

If you're facing some challenging family situations this weekend, remember to breathe deep, take it easy, and forgive yourself and those around you... whether it's for a problematic past, a frightening future and/ or a painful present. Everyone is holding some pain accumulated years ago, unprocessed and sensitive to the touch. Years later the mind relives and reacts to moments that remind us of this emotional pain. It's ok. Accept it, hold it, and release with the consciousness of the adult you are now. You can overcome it. You don't need to be scared or reject it, or wish it away.  Your cross is your spiritual path - it's going to lead you where you need to go, and it will prepare you along the way. It won't always be this hard. 

Some of us spend far too long trying to meet the needs and demands of others, in exchange for their conditional love, acceptance or praise. It could be a boss, a parent, or a partner who's got demands, criticisms, particular needs. At first they are only judgmental  about others, but pretty soon, those judgments are directed at you, and if you don't do as they want, be prepared for a storm of hate and anger. Why do we put up with this? Because it's too hard to accept that if someone wants you to change, they don't really like you, so we change instead. We are so afraid we won't be accepted, we'll agree to anything that masquerades as love - but the truth is, love that is conditional is as fraudulent as the person offering it.  So then we find ourselves living out of fear of being unloved at any moment - as if that were possible, if the love was real. Is it any wonder our self-worth is shit? Because deep down we know the other person is settling for us - an...

This star- Part of our constellation Just a picture in the sky Is it the story of creation Or a comet flying by? Call it the legend of a princess Her light shining from on high More than a memory in moonlight- A guiding compass in the night. We've only stars to wish upon A meteor to strike the heart A fire's glow when summer's gone Fireflies to soothe the fright. This candle's burning in the past A foretold destiny - Patterns change, but stories last like Light years woven in a tapestry. And now, there's Only space, Only light.

Excerpt from The Seeker's Guide by  Elizabeth Lesser Old Spirituality ·          Who Has Authority?  The hierarchy has the authority. Church authorities tell you how to worship in church and how to behave outside of church. ·          What Is Spirituality?  God, and the path to worship Him, have already been defined. All you need to do is follow the directions. ·          What Is the Path to God?  There is only one path. It is the right way and all other ways are wrong. ·          What Is Sacred?  Parts of yourself—like the body, or ego, or emotions—are evil. Deny or transcend or sublimate them or they will lead you astray. ·          What Is the Truth?  The truth is like a rock. Your understanding of it should never waver. Therefore ask the sam...

Ever feel like you need to change to be "good enough"? We all have habits or traits we've been told we should change in order to be successful or accepted. What would happen if instead you chose to accept yourself exactly as you are, no ifs, ands or buts? What if growth is not a self-improvement project but a step toward self-actualization? What if it means peeling away layers of bullshit we're accumulated over the years that doesn't serve us anymore? That would mean everything you needed was already within you and you just needed to be open and willing to step into your destiny and welcome into your life what is meant for you. That might mean rejecting limiting beliefs about the right and wrong way to be or to live. It might mean accepting a different outcome than what you originally envisioned. It might even mean changing your environment to better suit your needs. And it's hard to deal with external criticism and judgement about your choices. But it tak...

"The tree doesn't bend its branches  To help the wind make them sway or  To make it easier for the child to climb.  The birds don't question whether the worm  Is a reward - if there, and if not - a punishment.  The grass doesn't work to earn the sun's loving rays  and  The flowers don't wonder if they deserve to be watered  Any more than the squirrel changes the way it buries its food.  The caterpillar does not chase the butterfly to learn how to be better in order to be accepted.  Nature is unconditional, like love: flowing and free."

The wanting self  is the you that didn't get what you wanted or needed in the past, and who worries that you never will. This wanting self thinks it must be "good enough" to receive love, professional success, and desired outcomes in general. So it is constantly on a quest to become, earn and deserve that which it desires. It is particularly drawn to pessimistic outlooks, not because it is inherently negative or flawed in any way, but because it has been conditioned to be alert and fix or correct an external mood or situation in order to be loved, as though love can be earned or deserved. The wanting self gets stuck in patterns created by past experiences of lacking, needing and wanting validation because it fears it will not get a desired outcome "as it is". The wanting self worries it is not successful enough, or clever enough, positive enough or handsome enough. So it tries to fix itself, or the world around it, to create the perfect conditions to receive a...

I may be off-base But I think I recognize it This desire to give As a way to provide Yourself with a pleasing identity. A way to be loving A way to be loved Giving up your own needs  For the sake of harmony. Did you have a mother who was always sad? Were you the one to delight her? Did you face the pain of choosing a path That took you away or made you unkindly? Was your brother the asshole And you didn’t mind it Because it meant you could be the one To fix feelings all around you. And when you were older Did you pick girls that reminded You of the woman who was always demanding? And did you feel good  When you provided  All of the joy that wasn’t inside her? But when you messed up Were you the same disappointment? The boy who was (never) good enough But couldn’t stop striving. I hope one day you see That you’re worthy of love Without needing to give Or be perfect. Above all I hope you reme...

My wolf is dressed like a pharisee This masquerade ball descends on me I call his bluff - my hypocrisy His song is sweet but my heart's too free We swindle ourselves, playing and cheating desire Crooked con artists, pretending we have some power We set off a flame except we don't play with fire Just two charlatans crying in the moonlight hour Still I love this fraud, I know this deceit I know why we please and why we are weak We need to be perfect, so we will lie We must craft an image while we slowly die. So paint me like this, in the morning light With the dress on the floor where you left it last night Write me a song about our only fight I promise I'll listen when the time is right Kiss me tonight to make up for this life Whisper your secrets before we must run Call out my name in your dreams with your wife We don't know how to love if it's not fun Let's set this thing free, let it go, let it be Of course we are both cast...

This is for everyone who's been let down Who's been broken and afraid Who gave too much, or not at all Who wasn't met. You, who were manipulated and coerced You, who heard only vile words You, who cried alone at night Know this: That wasn't love. Love is not enmeshed with pain Love is not something that is taken Or demanded, or even given It plays no games It takes no pleasure out of pain It harbors no contempt No anger or regret Love does not depend on another Love does not fear Love does not punish Love doesn't hurt. Love is a state of being The beauty that you choose to be It is kindness and compassion It is goodness and hope. Love keeps no score It makes no wounds It is not careless or rude. Love is always there Just past the broken heart Beyond the hiding place. Love is found within the soul Of those who choose to be love. When two such souls come together The world around them is a brighter, better place Because they ...

I could say to myself of the love (I had): Let it not be immortal, since it is flame But let it be infinite while it lasts. -Vinicius de Moraes Change is the only constant. I could change forever with you. The seasons of my life move with the seasons of you. And you move in time with my mood.

The place between Your head and heart, Where the pulsing of life can be felt With lips pressed to skin That is the origin Of my feeling - Simply because you exist. How many lifetimes of kisses Can fit into one night You are the place I come home to This shoulder is my respite This back is never turned Here I don’t need to hide The more I am open, the more you come in The more that I laugh, the more you are brave Here we are awkward, Here we are kind.

Just because something isn't right for you doesn't make it completely wrong. Just because someone doesn't bring out the best in you doesn't automatically mean they bring out the worst in you. No one struggles to give up the bad for the good. What people are unwilling to do is give up the certainty and safety of 'good enough' and 'ok' for the thrilling yet terrifying possibility of 'amazing'.

Ask me anything - I'll do what I can. Take what you need - but not at my expense, please. Receive graciously all that I offer you. Give without regard for what you get in return. Share all that you have generously and carefully. Refuse anything that compromises your integrity. Play like a child, imagine, create, laugh and have fun as if your life depended on it.

The paradox of our modern world is we tell people to make choices based on what they love, what lights them up and makes them happy... and then we tell them to sacrifice, endure and adapt when those things are gone. So you basically only get one shot at choosing your bliss and then we'll shame you into sticking it out regardless of whether it continues to satisfy your needs. Huh? How does it make sense to promote human development and growth and at the same time tell people to stay stuck and try harder? If humans evolve, then needs and personalities do too. It is ok to seek happiness at every stage. If we're the generation that fights against the stiff upper lip and lying back and thinking of England, then we need to encourage people to make edits to their life as needed, without judgement.

People you can trust: Show up on time Don't flake last minute Back up their words with action Are responsible Are consistent These are habits. These are little things. When you choose to engage in a relationship with someone you can't trust, you've probably got betrayal blindness. It's not about them - it's about you choosing to trust someone untrustworthy.

Love and passion are important  AND Opposites attract but similarities bond. You’ve got to look at the person You need to evaluate the connection Ask these questions: 1.         Can they do the job? 2.        Will they do the job well long-term?  Are your goals aligned? Is their nature aligned to the job? 3.        Is it the right team fit? Are your top 2 needs compatible?  Ex. Love and contribution do not go well with significance and certainty.

If it was not love It was desire If it was not desire It was need If it was not need It was love

To those people who are constantly thinking about how others can meet their needs... - ask yourself how much love you're giving - ask yourself how many needs you're meeting - ask yourself if you can regulate your own emotions - ask yourself if you set people up to win with you, or if no matter what they do, they always seem to lose - ask yourself if you're more committed to your sadness, anger and disappointment than to changing your behaviour - ask yourself if you radiate joy or simply drain others of theirs - ask yourself why everyone needs to change except your expectations - ask yourself if you're as grateful and appreciative of the gifts in your life as you think you are - ask yourself if the environment you create through your thoughts, words and actions is good for you and those around you. Be honest with yourself. Look a little harder at all the ways you're closed off, all the ways you hurt others, all the blind spots you repeatedly miss. Do you h...

The best kind of love makes you better. It transforms you into the kind of person who can love so much that you will give what it hurts the most to give, and still keep loving. It makes you gentler, and more honest; it brings peace and vitality. It makes you generous and vulnerable and hopeful. It is unconditional friendship and electric passion wrapped in kindness. When someone lights you up like that and inspires you to be a light for others, that is something to be thankful for every moment of forever. Be grateful for the opportunity to love someone the way they always wanted to be loved. And if you are ever in a situation where that feeling is mutual, you should do absolutely everything in your power not to let it go. I do not say this lightly. There is no better life than one spent with the person who makes the best of you come alive. That sort of love is once-in-a-dozen lifetimes, soul-connection rare. That kind of love is real and it does exist; and whether it lasts 5 months o...

Never have I heard as much apologizing as I do in a crowded, public women's washroom. We apologize and preface everything we say with an air of undeserved worth and it needs to change. The Kavanaugh hearing made us all angry. And yet, how many of us are willing and able to stand up and fight for ourselves and all women? We need to start socializing girls to understand that their needs are just as, if not more important than those of others. And to fight for those needs to be met. Respectfully, with dignity and strength and firmness. We need to help girls practice asking for what they want fearlessly in order to raise women who can develop identities separate from peacemakers, relationship seekers and nice, well-behaved ladies. We need women to rediscover their inherent value and act like it! I think it starts with speaking up. I've been reading "A woman's guide to successful negotiating" and they suggest it all comes down to confidence, preparation, being convin...

Things women don't need to apologize for: Asking for what they want and need Stating an opinion Asking for clarification Disagreeing with others Saying no Their success You would think all of these would be a given. But sadly, we don't all wake up thinking "I'm great, I bet everyone wants to hear what I have to say today". KPMG did a study on women's leadership and they sadly found most women feel confident asking for help and more training than for opportunities.   This is partly due to the way in which we were socialized. Unfortunately, we were taught that suppressing our individuality, our ideas and our abilities would make us fit in, be liked and be perceived as "nice". It's hard to now flip the script and say, well, being nice is not going to get you ahead. And I'm not talking about suddenly encouraging everyone to be a bitch. I'm talking about cultivating a set of characteristics that men were raised to em...

My professional goal for 2018 is to improve my ability to influence. This is a tricky attribute for me, because in the past, I've misused it, misunderstood it, and then, as a result, tried to avoid it altogether. So part of the challenge of using my influence, for me, is accepting that influence can be a positive trait. Influence is not being afraid to ask. Influence is not saying "no" for someone else before you've even asked.  Influence is curiosity. Influence is winning friends, not using people. Influence is connection. Influence is listening more than talking. Influence is vulnerability.  Influence is challenging others. Influence is story telling. Influence is asking for help when you need it. Influence is making other people feel good. Influence is using your abilities and knowledge to help others. Influence is not about ego. Influence is not a bad word. Influence is making an impact on the world.

I am reading Meditations, by Marcus Aurelius and I just had to share this paraphrased bit because it's basically a 5 step guide of how not to do life. The soul of man does violence to itself when: 1. it becomes a tumor on the universe (separating itself from the oneness of nature and becoming a burden) 2. it turns away from anyone or moves towards another with the intention of injury (as in anger) 3. it is overpowered by pleasure or pain 4. it plays a part, doing or saying anything insincerely and untruly 5. it is aimless, thoughtless, careless and without reason or purpose.

Authenticity is one of the biggest buzz words around and I think at this point, no one is really sure anymore what it means, only that we’re all supposed to be it. Does it mean being unapologetically you, even if you are an asshat? No, that would mean lacking empathy and consideration for others. Does it mean putting all of you out there for everyone at all times? No, that would mean you’re not protecting yourself in the way you deserve to be cared for. Does it mean perfection? Never doing anything wrong, never hurting anyone, and never hurting yourself? No, that doesn’t exist and striving for this is the exact opposite of authenticity. What authenticity really is, is telling the truth, at the right moment, in the right way, to yourself and to others. It stands to reason then, that one does not need to be perfect, one needs to be honest and kind. You see, if your main objective is to be perfect and well-liked, you will have to lie. You will try to so...

Sometimes “good” doesn’t feel “right”, not because it isn’t, but because we’ve learned to search for struggle and instability and pain and try to solve it so we can heal, so we can feel like we're good enough to overcome it.  What no one talks about is we’re not usually ready for “good” until we’ve worked out those issues.  The thing we all need to discover in this life is: everything we need is already within us.  We are complete and capable of cultivating love and joy wherever we are. We don’t need someone unavailable or inconsistent or difficult to 'choose us' to prove that we’re worth it.  Partnership is about finding someone who mirrors the best of you: someone who has character and knows how to cultivate love and joy.  It’s not about fixing something broken w ithin you, or filling a void, or making you feel better about your insecurities. It’s about two people coming together and choosing to give and receive, to love and to grow.  A g...

This is so important and it's so complicated. On the one hand, you don't want to be a closed-hearted person. You want to be the type of person who is sowing seeds and planting flowers, because that is a beautiful contribution that will change the world for the better. On the other hand, how many times can you watch wilting, dying flowers before getting discouraged and never wanting to plant them again? So really, the trick is learning where to plant the flowers. Where is the soil fertile? Where will the flowers get enough sunshine? Where will they have someone to carefully tend to them? And possibly the biggest challenge of all is finding a tribe of people who will go out there and plant flowers with you. These will be those who will comfort you, encourage you, and help you - who will work side by side with you and tend to your flowers as you tend to theirs.

On compassion: With awareness, comes understanding With understanding, comes compassion With compassion, you stop looking for perfection (in yourself and others) And instead, you seek connection. Play and fun are only possible in an environment with established safety, trust and respect. Fondness and admiration coupled with mutual respect make more of a difference than all the communication skills and psychoanalysis in the world. In life, you don't get what you give. You get what you are. Emotional availability can only happen when there is reliable interdependence, and both partners committ to the following principles: Believe you are loveable and worthy of affection. Make your partner's needs and feelings equal to yours. Give up your secret life / backup plan. Take action to make your partner a priority in your life. Learn to control your emotional impulses to create distance / to pursue closeness in unhealthy ways. Share your feelings, dreams and fears. T...

New beginnings are not as hard when you've been through a few of them.  As my wise 2nd grader said this morning: "I was new last year. This year I'm old."  Watching my own child grow up, as well as going through various challenges myself, I now have so much confidence in the individual ability to experience setback, feel hurt, fall down and be pushed to reflect, be inspired to learn, evolve and grow. Ultimately, we can all get stronger and better, so whoever you are reading this, whatever you are going through, please know this: The best is yet to come. You will only get better.  All that's required of you is a good attitude and an open heart. Don't lose faith. Don't close your heart. You will get everything you have ever dreamed of and more.