Sometimes “good” doesn’t feel “right”, not because it isn’t, but because we’ve learned to search for struggle and instability and pain and try to solve it so we can heal, so we can feel like we're good enough to overcome it. What no one talks about is we’re not usually ready for “good” until we’ve worked out those issues.
The thing we all need to discover in this life is: everything we need is already within us. We are complete and capable of cultivating love and joy wherever we are. We don’t need someone unavailable or inconsistent or difficult to 'choose us' to prove that we’re worth it.
Partnership is about finding someone who mirrors the best of you: someone who has character and knows how to cultivate love and joy. It’s not about fixing something broken within you, or filling a void, or making you feel better about your insecurities. It’s about two people coming together and choosing to give and receive, to love and to grow.
A good relationship is basically one part emotional co-regulation and one part passionate play. For both of these to happen, you need people who are free and healthy. You need love and caring, AS WELL AS desire and creativity. Your joint adventure then becomes lighting up the world together.
What happens when one partner is not free or not emotionally healthy is you might get just one of these elements in the relationship: either passion or security. You may settle for living without the other missing element, deeming it less important or too idealistic...but the reality is, you'll always be longing for more.
As Esther Perel says:
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