Live your best life

All wonderful relationships take effort - mutual, reciprocated effort.  You both need to choose to be kind, to communicate with love, to be appreciative, to react patiently, to be romantic, to play and have fun, to advocate for each other's needs, to collaborate, to be fully present. These are all things you can learn and practice. These are all the things marriage therapists hone in on and try to develop in a couple .  Some go further and try to re-connect people by fostering safety, building trust and deepening commitment.  But underneath all these actions there must be a powerful motivation that prompts you to do them.  We are evolved mammals - we need to be not only extremely biologically attracted, but humanly compatible and spiritually connected to someone in order to have a fulfilling relationship.  When life circumstances and needs change, when growth and redirection happens, the ONLY thing that remains is connection .  Connection is the x ...

The pursuit of happiness sometimes gets a bad rap, usually from those who haven't had the happiest of lives, those who think happiness is beyond their control, and occasionally from judge-y psychotherapists who think having happiness as a goal is unrealistic, ignoble and immature. I personally think there is nothing wrong with expecting happiness in this life. After all, it's your life, and if you want to be happy 95% of the time, then you should go after that goal. I would go one step further and insist that in order to live authentically, and because happiness is your life vision, you have a  responsibility  to make it happen.  Here are some tips on how you can build a happier life: 1. Notice, savour, elaborate on, and remember high quality connections with people - namely, those interactions that leave you feeling more alive and passionate, with a renewed sense of vitality. 2. Loving-kindness meditation. Love yourself better, love others better. Make time to ...

You're probably scared in that place. Your physiology will sometimes put you in a state of fight or flight or freeze. Recognize it's hard to be in this state. You're triggered and you have to deal with it. Breathe. Take time out. Exercise. Soothe yourself. Come back into balance. Next, discover the energy of the Self. If you're feeling emotional and aren't clear, or are grasping for truth and certainty and creating more and more tension, that means there is a Part of you that is taking center stage. It's probably something from your past when things were hard. Self energy, on the other hand, is all about compassion, creativity, courage, curiosity, clarity.  Have an inner conversation with yourself and bring forth the Self energy. Finally, find faith. Despite what has been, you can make it through. The best is yet to come. Nothing is insurmountable. Have faith in yourself. Have faith that life will work out. Don't lose the willingness to fi...

It's not easy to apologize. Harriet Lerner says humans are wired for defensiveness. "It's hard for humans to take clear and direct responsibility for what we have said or done or not said or not done without a hint of blaming, obfuscation, vagueness, excuse-making, and bringing up the other person's crime sheet." It takes motivation and good will and a genuine wish for a better relationship. Don't let shame, fear and anger prevent you from repairing a hurt. Similarly, if you're seeking an apology - don't overdo it, don't overtalk it, don't hound after it with criticism and blame. Let the other person know they hurt you, do not judge their intentions and give them a chance to respond. So what makes a good apology? Finally, don't apologize if you don't mean it, or if you're not able or ready or going to change your behaviour.

Every once in a while, You have one of those days That discourages you It brings you down It makes you question What you're doing Where you're going Who is on the journey with you My best response to these kinds of days Is to give myself a big mental hug And remind myself That I am a f*cking magical unicorn I will make it through I am meant for greatness My love is strong enough to overcome this day I am always growing and learning Nothing ever stays the same But being in this space on your own It's hard It hurts You wish there was someone to love Just as strongly, right beside you Because as much as we like to think we can do this on our own We think this life is about individual salvation The reality is, we are all connected We experience growth and awakening and joy Through relating We exchange energy and that exchange is either magical Pure Bliss Or it's down in the dumps disheartening So the work is to stay open Because your hea...

Way back when I had my first encounter with spirituality, I was inspired by the words of a young man who seemed to me, at the time, much too smart for the amount of religiosity he subscribed to. But he won me over with these words: "If you do the ordinary things exceptionally well, imagine how you will do the very big things." That was tangible to me. I understood excellence. As a chronic overachiever, who always wanted to do more, I stopped to think briefly that maybe I just had to do things better. My perfectionist side took this to an extreme and I obsessed over every little mistake I was to make in the coming years, but that led me to a number of other encounters, challenges, tests and lessons that brought me closer to the truth. Now, older, hopefully wiser, but infinitesimally more compassionate and enlightened, I understand this to mean being mindful in all the small tasks of the day, as they contribute to your overall successes. The more you can master responding out ...

(Stealing this one from the Manulife Health Benefits articles I have access to through my work) A child’s happiness starts with a firm foundation of love, security, and self-esteem. Here are some thoughts from child care experts that will put you on the right track as your child grows. Every child should feel special and appreciated.  Making a child feel real special contributes significantly to the child’s self image, confidence, and resiliency. An adult who focuses on a child’s strengths, while not ignoring a child’s problems, can make a big difference to his or her current happiness and future developments. Set aside special times during the week to be alone with your child and focus on activities the child enjoys, allowing him or her to display special strengths. Help develop problem-solving skills.  Self-esteem goes hand-in-hand with a child’s ability to solve problems, whether big or small. Get in the habit of discussing day-to-day problems that your child may enco...

How can you enter into a secure functioning relationship? That is to say, one in which you have each other's backs, you collaborate, there is mutuality, you protect each other and the relationship, and you do not hide anything from each other. The problem is, after meeting someone and experiencing attraction, most people want to rush to the comfort of commitment instead of taking the necessary time and steps to vet and audition potential partners. Then they fall in love and get attached, and it becomes difficult to separate - because breaking up and rupturing attachment is a huge, stressful trauma for most people. So instead, deal-breakers and warning signs are overlooked and people learn to live with a low-key stress that permanently colours their insecurely functioning relationship with frustration, resentment, unhealed hurts, anger and pain. The ideal for longevity and a well-functioning, happy relationship is to find someone with whom we can: 1. successfully manage distress ...

Pretzel sticks with black cherry yogurt make a great combination Compassion means reminding someone of their inherent worth when they forget, are in pain, or lost. Women should celebrate their ambitiousness and the willingness to put in effort to get what they want without men feeling scared and put off. Monica Lewinsky is still reliving the trauma or 20 years ago - I doubt Bill is. He probably processed it with his wife in therapy - she had no one to bear witness and rebuild with. Is rejecting the patriarchy a good reason not to have your father walk you down the aisle at your wedding? Why would someone make all the guests at her wedding eat vegan and gluten free just because she is? Does making extreme statements about yourself actually mean you're not yet able to delineate where you end and the world around you begins and so you place up dividers? Is this just an expression of ego and illusory separation where love and connection ought to appear? Learning how to love, remem...

What is it that draws us into the bubble of two people who seem completely in sync and attuned to one another? Why do we want them to be a couple so badly? Why are we unable to look away from their displays of passion and speculate about their feelings? The hopeless romantics out there (myself included) are all dreaming about a world in which this type of bond, or connection can be sustained over a 20 year relationship. I think even the realists out there would have a hard time disputing any subsequent relationship they each might have will not stand much of a chance in the face of 20 years of friendship, partnership and intimacy. Because that is what we all see when we look at Tessa and Scott. There is a level of intimacy that penetrates deeper than most people ever achieve in a lifelong marriage, let alone with their working partner. It is so powerful that it comes out without any words needing to be spoken. It oozes out of their pores and creates sparks upon contact. It's t...

My husband and I selected these words as the tags on the potted flowers we gave away to guests at our wedding. We were idealistic and young. But we also had a vision for what we wanted to experience in our marriage and in our lives. This, when all other things have changed, has remained the same. This kind of love does not come easy. Each of these goals must be worked at and practiced daily.  It's about choosing personal growth over the comfort of stability. It's about humility in the face of insult. It is about compassion trumping anger.  Love is not about what you get, and entirely about what you give.  At times, we have shown each of these traits - to ourselves, to each other, and to those around us. Other times, we've shown the complete opposite. It's a struggle to show up as the best version of yourself - so if you're doing it to get a reaction out of the other person, you might as well stop because it's going to fail.  This is an exercise in...

This morning on the radio, a man proposed to his girlfriend over the phone, while her coworkers listened in. After she said yes and her boss gave her the day off (and I vomited a little in my mouth), the man kept repeating: "I love you so much." "You make me so happy." "I want to be happy with you forever." Then the radio announcer played Ed Sheeran. Fairytale. I had to change the channel and fight the tears of rage. As someone who has been married almost 8 years, I can tell you with certainty, marriage is not a vehicle for happiness. Marriage is a commitment. It is an institution centered on stability. It is about family and security. Passionate love, delirious giddiness, and profound connection are more often the stuff of those prior relationships we can't quite seem to get out of our heads, that would never have materialized into marriage. That's not necessarily good, not necessarily bad. There is a place for everything. However, I find...

At our Global Sales Meeting last week, our president spoke about hope and habits . Success is dependent on having both. On hope - you must dream of something, you must believe that you will achieve greatness, and you must have a bigger picture in your mind than just what is happening before you at the moment. He illustrated this with the parable of the 3 bricklayers: Once there were 3 bricklayers. Each one of them was asked what they were doing. The first man answered gruffly, 'I'm laying bricks.' The second man replied, 'I'm putting up a wall, one brick at a time.' But the third man said enthusiastically and with pride, 'I'm building the most magnificent cathedral the world has ever seen.'" --Author Unknown I certainly am a big believer in envisioning success as the first step to achieving it. But what really impressed me is when he spoke about the power of habits: those things we do every day, or the way we go about our days. H...

You'd never know it, that after all the struggles, all the pain, the fears and the painful yearnings, everything you ever wanted would just come to you one day, settle into your heart, and show you how beautiful and easy life and love can be.  It's incredible when you finally feel the sort of joy that warms your heart, lights you up and inspires you to make the entire human race just a little bit happier, because you know how it can change the experience of life. It's when you are smiling like a giddy idiot and thanking the entire universe for allowing you to be so lucky that it strikes you - it was there all along. I was worthy of this all along. This was designed for me. And whether it lasts a year, a decade or a lifetime, how many people can truly say they were blessed with feeling the sort of love and happiness that marks you forever?  So don't ever give up - just take all the lessons and grow into a better person. What your heart longs for is there, just waiting ...

My most difficult lesson learned, after resisting for many, many, many, many (ya feel me?) years: until you can be ok with being uncomfortable and uncertain, you'll never be able to do anything great. That's because greatness is achieved in the pursuit of your wildest dreams - not the easy to attain, safe, uninspiring dreams. Naturally, the pathway to get there is fraught with uncertainty, fear, discomfort and opportunities to grow. Why is there no easy shortcut? Because moving up requires you to be a better version of yourself. You don't become that until you are challenged to find a way to live with and overcome pain, insecurity, and the unknown. The best example I can think of is: you can't learn to forgive without having someone hurt you.  So as you encounter obstacles along the way, and you feel tempted to give up or fall apart, just remember two things: 1. be kind to yourself (you're in a battle, on the journey to something incredible) 2. you get what ...

There is nothing more sexy than someone who is genuinely curious about the world around them. The people that keep an open mind and listen with the mindset that they can learn something from everyone and everything, even if they disagree, is probably one of the most attractive features in a human being. As a journalism grad, my innate curiosity propelled me towards an education aimed at teaching me the skills I need to research and learn. At the heart of journalism is the art of asking questions. And only through attentive listening, opening yourself up to be led somewhere you may have never been before, and having your way of thinking challenged or even changed, can you truly say you are a curious being. But make no mistake - this is not the same thing as being highly suggestible. Ever heard the saying "The man who stands for nothing falls for anything"? At a primal level, curiosity begins within. You need to get curious about yourself. Who are you? What do you think? How ...

You are responsible for your karma. You don't like that word? Ok.  What you sow is what you reap.  For every action there is a reaction. The bottom line is: All of your thoughts, words and actions begin a chain of cause and effect What does that tell you? That you have control over your own destiny. You create the energy surrounding your life You do the right thing, and let the rest unfold Keep your side of the street clean and your neighbours will follow suit.  If we approach life that way,  Then we know no positive action goes unrewarded There is no limit to what we can achieve and create. If you know what you want (set an intention) If you believe in it  (you feel it deep within) And you take action to ready yourself to receive it, IT WILL HAPPEN.  It's not about external reactions from others,  It's not about hustling to make something happen. You simply need the internal motivation and desire to propel you to take positive ...

Find the creators and create with them. Grow with those who help you grow. Surround yourself with those who inspire you, who conspire with you, who take your breath away. Don't be a victim, don't live off the scraps and breadcrumbs others offer. Givers must be careful not to let themselves be sucked dry by takers. You'll recognize takers as the ones who are there when they need you but never available when you need them back. They might be well-meaning, good people. They are most likely drawn to your light. But until they are ready to add value to your life and do the work to create magic and meaning, lovingly let them go. They can admire the fruit of your existence from afar.

Perhaps it's the age, or just pure coincidence It certainly makes no sense The experience of loss, of grief. They say death comes in threes It's terrifying to think of death as dominoes Is that just the way the story goes? All stories have an end And ends birth new beginnings How grimly comforting Start the gratitude rampage Hold your circle close again Find hope when you're afraid Someone out there will need your strength So don't let anything chip it away You'll live to see a brighter day Magnificent, isn't it? The shattered heart that's torn apart Pieces together when it can start To love, to help, to save. "Keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. Live simply, expect little, give much. Scatter sunshine, forget self, think of others. " -Norman Vincent Peale

I've always been organized. I like the order of planning things out, determining the most efficient way of doing as many things as I can and being productive without being overwhelmed. People have told me my system is impressive. I am more impressed by people who manage to get the daily business of life completed without a systematic approach, because they seem to wing it without any stress. (How do they remember everything?!?!) Here are some of my tools and life hacks that help me stay on top of work, home, social and other responsibilities. I hope they help you too! Daily to-do list I swear by this. I even make a tiny square next to each item so I can check it off and feel the satisfaction of completing the task. I make my list the night before and that allows me to sleep peacefully. New additions or requests get tagged on to the bottom of the list and if they are important, I will prioritize, otherwise, I don't kill myself trying to complete someone else's ...

Top 5 regrets people have on their deathbed:  “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” “I wish I had let myself be happier.” “I wish I’d had the courage to express my true self.” “I wish I’d lived a life true to my dreams instead of doing what others expected of me.” So basically, that tells me people should play, laugh, and have more fun! Follow your dreams and your passions - you can't go wrong, after all, it's your life. Who but you, knows better, what your soul longs for?  The best people will inspire and encourage you to do more of what makes you happy and fulfilled. If you have the great fortune of spending your life with someone who brings you joy and helps make your dreams come true, be grateful and appreciative every day. 

My 6 year old noticed that princess stories all center around marriage and "finding the right man". If she understands that is a myopic view of life (because "what if you want to do something else, like be a surgeon, or start a business, make art or travel around the world" or "what if you marry the wrong person and don't live happily ever after") then it's high time we change the narrative that little girls hear. We need better role models and better hero stories. We need to open up better opportunities and teach girls about knowing, honouring and loving themselves. We need to encourage growth, contribution and meaningful connection - not ridiculous stories about love at first sight based on external beauty. At the very least, if we are going to focus the literature of young women on relationships, let's focus on the workings of secure, authentic partnerships instead of 3 day chance encounters that turn into everlasting happiness effortles...

...and I'll tell you who you are. I love laughing and dancing, so Ru Paul and I have that in common! I love sitting down or walking with someone, coffee or tea in hand, and having a conversation that either sets my soul on fire or soothes my soul. I love snuggling up with a book, fire on, soft music in the background, and luxuriating in the experience. I love having a pen in hand, when I can't keep up with the words running through my mind and the rush of inspiration creates a frenzy to put it all down on paper. I love the feeling in my body when I'm doing yoga, and meditating - when my soul is connected to the universe with a million silver strings and yet, I feel like I'm floating freely and nothing can touch me. I love the energy that is exchanged when two kindred souls encounter each other and share a human experience. I love to travel - trying new things, seeing new places, meeting new people. I love the inspiration it brings. I love food: sweet, savour...

Friends are the most important people in the world, next to your family, because your friends are people you CHOSE to experience and make sense out of life with. And I'm not talking about the girls you like to go clubbing with, or your workout buddy. I mean, the people you call when you're lost, and need someone to remind you who you are, what you want and where to go from here. Friends are the people you call giggling with a story because you know they will find it just as funny! Friends are the ones who celebrate with you when something really freakin amazing happens: like you got a new job, you're finally going to make that dream trip happen, you're engaged, you finally dumped that asshole, you just found out you're pregnant. Friends know what to say, and when they don't, they stumble through some version of what to say and you love them even more for it. They are the ones who squeal with you in excitement, who genuinely rejoice in the good stuff, and are co...