All wonderful relationships take effort - mutual, reciprocated effort.
You both need to choose to be kind, to communicate with love, to be appreciative, to react patiently, to be romantic, to play and have fun, to advocate for each other's needs, to collaborate, to be fully present. These are all things you can learn and practice. These are all the things marriage therapists hone in on and try to develop in a couple. Some go further and try to re-connect people by fostering safety, building trust and deepening commitment.
But underneath all these actions there must be a powerful motivation that prompts you to do them. We are evolved mammals - we need to be not only extremely biologically attracted, but humanly compatible and spiritually connected to someone in order to have a fulfilling relationship. When life circumstances and needs change, when growth and redirection happens, the ONLY thing that remains is connection.
Connection is the x factor: we call it fate, soul mates, the love of your life. Connection is the dynamic between two people influenced by positive emotion, trust, a sense of safety, friendship, affection, and an irresistible pull. Without connection, you can try to do all the right things and be reasonably happy, and yet always feel that something is missing. Without connection, you end up making the effort out of a sense of duty, guilt, threat, or simply because you're trying to do the right thing and be a good person.
The reality that many struggling couples try to deny is you just can't fake "the magic". Magic is the connection between two people that inspires them to create a life together. The problem is most of us confuse connection for the temporary infatuation of starting a relationship. The limerence of early days wasn't actually rooted in spiritual fascination, personal compatibility, emotional closeness, safety, healing, unconditional love. There was a bargain or agreement made at the start: if you do this for me, I will do this for you - and it was rewarding, for a time, and for some, forever. But agreements are not going to sustain you when your soul is longing for love, affection and intimate connection. And no amount of pressure, self-development, emotional manipulation, or sense of obligation will bring connection into a relationship when it is not there.
Sometimes we are so scared there is nothing better out there that rather than tolerating the discomfort of making a change that doesn't have a certain outcome, we choose the safe option, and build a relationship that looks good on the outside, and fulfills societal expectations of a "decent life". But deep inside it's lacking, it feels empty, it leaves you unsatisfied, unhappy and confused about whether what you want is even possible. It makes you feel like you've missed out. You can't find the love, the passion, the goodwill and you rationalize that it must fade after a while, or you need to work harder at it.
But connection is not a given between any two people who "just try", and "do the work" - and connection does not get lost or forgotten during a difficult period of life. Connection is the foundation your relationship is built on. Think of connection as that positive image of someone in your mind that makes you feel grateful you met them, that inspires you to be your best self, that sustains and supports you, that always draws you back to them. Connection is the love that inspires the positive actions. Negative actions do not have their root in love. All the pain, injuries, upsets and disagreements that occur in relationships are the work of fear.
When you're more resentful than grateful, when you feel guilty or emotionally blackmail your partner into things, when you think you're superior and you're critical instead of appreciative, when you're repulsed instead of attracted to someone, when you don't feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings because you know they will be judged or disregarded - these are all signs connection is missing. Pay attention to these feelings because they are important information. They are not signs one of you is evil, the other just needs to change, or you both just need to improve your communication skills or your ways of responding. The truth is you are bringing these things out in one another. A relationship is a dynamic - it is a chemical reaction between two substances: you are either both changed for the better, for the worse, or you don't mix.
So the better question to ask when you're investing in a relationship coloured by negative sentiment override, is, while it might be salvageable, why do you want it to be? Is it love and connection, or fear and external factors?
You both need to choose to be kind, to communicate with love, to be appreciative, to react patiently, to be romantic, to play and have fun, to advocate for each other's needs, to collaborate, to be fully present. These are all things you can learn and practice. These are all the things marriage therapists hone in on and try to develop in a couple. Some go further and try to re-connect people by fostering safety, building trust and deepening commitment.
But underneath all these actions there must be a powerful motivation that prompts you to do them. We are evolved mammals - we need to be not only extremely biologically attracted, but humanly compatible and spiritually connected to someone in order to have a fulfilling relationship. When life circumstances and needs change, when growth and redirection happens, the ONLY thing that remains is connection.
The reality that many struggling couples try to deny is you just can't fake "the magic". Magic is the connection between two people that inspires them to create a life together. The problem is most of us confuse connection for the temporary infatuation of starting a relationship. The limerence of early days wasn't actually rooted in spiritual fascination, personal compatibility, emotional closeness, safety, healing, unconditional love. There was a bargain or agreement made at the start: if you do this for me, I will do this for you - and it was rewarding, for a time, and for some, forever. But agreements are not going to sustain you when your soul is longing for love, affection and intimate connection. And no amount of pressure, self-development, emotional manipulation, or sense of obligation will bring connection into a relationship when it is not there.
Sometimes we are so scared there is nothing better out there that rather than tolerating the discomfort of making a change that doesn't have a certain outcome, we choose the safe option, and build a relationship that looks good on the outside, and fulfills societal expectations of a "decent life". But deep inside it's lacking, it feels empty, it leaves you unsatisfied, unhappy and confused about whether what you want is even possible. It makes you feel like you've missed out. You can't find the love, the passion, the goodwill and you rationalize that it must fade after a while, or you need to work harder at it.
But connection is not a given between any two people who "just try", and "do the work" - and connection does not get lost or forgotten during a difficult period of life. Connection is the foundation your relationship is built on. Think of connection as that positive image of someone in your mind that makes you feel grateful you met them, that inspires you to be your best self, that sustains and supports you, that always draws you back to them. Connection is the love that inspires the positive actions. Negative actions do not have their root in love. All the pain, injuries, upsets and disagreements that occur in relationships are the work of fear.
When you're more resentful than grateful, when you feel guilty or emotionally blackmail your partner into things, when you think you're superior and you're critical instead of appreciative, when you're repulsed instead of attracted to someone, when you don't feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings because you know they will be judged or disregarded - these are all signs connection is missing. Pay attention to these feelings because they are important information. They are not signs one of you is evil, the other just needs to change, or you both just need to improve your communication skills or your ways of responding. The truth is you are bringing these things out in one another. A relationship is a dynamic - it is a chemical reaction between two substances: you are either both changed for the better, for the worse, or you don't mix.
So the better question to ask when you're investing in a relationship coloured by negative sentiment override, is, while it might be salvageable, why do you want it to be? Is it love and connection, or fear and external factors?
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