It's not easy to apologize.
Harriet Lerner says humans are wired for defensiveness.
"It's hard for humans to take clear and direct responsibility for what we have said or done or not said or not done without a hint of blaming, obfuscation, vagueness, excuse-making, and bringing up the other person's crime sheet."
It takes motivation and good will and a genuine wish for a better relationship. Don't let shame, fear and anger prevent you from repairing a hurt.
Similarly, if you're seeking an apology - don't overdo it, don't overtalk it, don't hound after it with criticism and blame. Let the other person know they hurt you, do not judge their intentions and give them a chance to respond.
So what makes a good apology?
Finally, don't apologize if you don't mean it, or if you're not able or ready or going to change your behaviour.
Harriet Lerner says humans are wired for defensiveness.
"It's hard for humans to take clear and direct responsibility for what we have said or done or not said or not done without a hint of blaming, obfuscation, vagueness, excuse-making, and bringing up the other person's crime sheet."
It takes motivation and good will and a genuine wish for a better relationship. Don't let shame, fear and anger prevent you from repairing a hurt.
Similarly, if you're seeking an apology - don't overdo it, don't overtalk it, don't hound after it with criticism and blame. Let the other person know they hurt you, do not judge their intentions and give them a chance to respond.
So what makes a good apology?
Finally, don't apologize if you don't mean it, or if you're not able or ready or going to change your behaviour.
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