How can you enter into a secure functioning relationship? That is to say, one in which you have each other's backs, you collaborate, there is mutuality, you protect each other and the relationship, and you do not hide anything from each other.
The problem is, after meeting someone and experiencing attraction, most people want to rush to the comfort of commitment instead of taking the necessary time and steps to vet and audition potential partners. Then they fall in love and get attached, and it becomes difficult to separate - because breaking up and rupturing attachment is a huge, stressful trauma for most people. So instead, deal-breakers and warning signs are overlooked and people learn to live with a low-key stress that permanently colours their insecurely functioning relationship with frustration, resentment, unhealed hurts, anger and pain.
The ideal for longevity and a well-functioning, happy relationship is to find someone with whom we can:
1. successfully manage distress and quickly repair injuries
2. generate positive, exciting feelings of love, of looking forward to being together
3. foster a quiet and peaceful love where we can rest and recharge together
Securely functioning individuals are able to pick what is right and good for both people - whereas insecurely attached couples can get caught up in the fear and pain of loss, and so will proceed with an ill suited relationship that they will suffer in and complain about instead of end. By paying attention to the signs and symptoms of those who are self-aware and can care for themselves and their partner simultaneously, you'll be more likely to couple up with someone who has the capacity to engage in the co-creative experience of building a secure and happy relationship that will meet the needs of both people.
Being in a securely functioning relationship, instead of having negativity bias and automatic experiences triggered by painful memories, you'll be able to inquire instead of injure, to comfort instead of withdraw, and to be physically present and connected instead of distracted and distant. That sounds like love to me - compassion, curiosity and connection.
The problem is, after meeting someone and experiencing attraction, most people want to rush to the comfort of commitment instead of taking the necessary time and steps to vet and audition potential partners. Then they fall in love and get attached, and it becomes difficult to separate - because breaking up and rupturing attachment is a huge, stressful trauma for most people. So instead, deal-breakers and warning signs are overlooked and people learn to live with a low-key stress that permanently colours their insecurely functioning relationship with frustration, resentment, unhealed hurts, anger and pain.
The ideal for longevity and a well-functioning, happy relationship is to find someone with whom we can:
1. successfully manage distress and quickly repair injuries
2. generate positive, exciting feelings of love, of looking forward to being together
3. foster a quiet and peaceful love where we can rest and recharge together
Securely functioning individuals are able to pick what is right and good for both people - whereas insecurely attached couples can get caught up in the fear and pain of loss, and so will proceed with an ill suited relationship that they will suffer in and complain about instead of end. By paying attention to the signs and symptoms of those who are self-aware and can care for themselves and their partner simultaneously, you'll be more likely to couple up with someone who has the capacity to engage in the co-creative experience of building a secure and happy relationship that will meet the needs of both people.
Being in a securely functioning relationship, instead of having negativity bias and automatic experiences triggered by painful memories, you'll be able to inquire instead of injure, to comfort instead of withdraw, and to be physically present and connected instead of distracted and distant. That sounds like love to me - compassion, curiosity and connection.
Comments
Post a Comment