Live your best life

If you live in a state of self-loathing, you will think anyone who shows you kindness and love is a fool, or weak, because if they saw you the way you see yourself, they'd hate you too.  You want to be held accountable, you want to be seen - but you're so scared you won't be able to live up to that expectation that you sabotage every possibility of a loving connection.  You lie, but it's so lonely. Because b efore you were a 'bad guy', you were wounded and scared. So you find a way to be tough to make up for the times and ways in which you weren't.  You attract people who  just want to feel special and noticed. They are on a mission to save you. They collapse and don't enforce boundaries. They think they know you - and they have compassion for you - but they want you to know that they know better, they're inoculated against 'your kind' and they will win out in this competition.  But the very people who want to change you are preventing yo...

In all our lives, with the passing of time and formative experiences, new versions of ourselves are born. They come calling or knocking at the door and sending midnight messages. What do we do? We try to ignore them. We generally run and hide. That's alright. Resisting change is natural. Before a rebirth there is always a death; all loss is accompanied by grief and is therefore painful, often overwhelming and even terrifying. But to hold on and stay stagnant after a new version of yourself has been birthed is self-betrayal. You are necessarily denying the next stage of your evolution in order to continue belonging where you are now. If you think grief is painful, please know that if you refuse to answer the call or open the new door, you will continue to suffer until you finally either change or die. You will be consumed by regret and resentment. You will no longer be able to find joy and beauty in life. You will be living out of fear. And that is no life at all. So go ahead, ta...

We started this relationship on the foundation of a vow to build a strong bond and not as a result of one. We placed the value of family above the quality of our life together moment by moment. Perhaps we did it because marriage was an outside source of validation: You are living a good life. You are worthy of committment. But that is too kind to say of us. I think we did it mostly out of fear - the fear of love itself. Love's potential to cause heartbreaking pain is what led us to choose to be free from its power. We had seen the dependence, the tears, the irrational fights, the despair - and it was not how we wanted to live. In each other we found the thing that was guaranteed not to destroy us if it ended. Yet here we were, dying piece by piece and holding on. We reasoned if we were not mad with love, there would be no thrilling highs, it's true, but we'd never have to experience the excruciating lows. We would live in the in-between . You were some...

Here's the middle millennial problem: the life we were sold and prepared for by our Baby Boomer parents is perhaps not possible anymore. I don't know about you but that leaves me feeling a bit jaded and pessimistic, to be perfectly honest. Where do we go from here? We're more pragmatic and realistic than younger millennials because early on, we experienced recession-related unemployment and endured hard competition from older generations in the workforce. We continue to struggle with non-affordable housing despite our incomes, and we lack the social and community connections of our parents and grandparents. This means, that during this time of disillusionment, we have few ways to cope with the stress and no benefits to show for the work. Worst of all - we don't even really know why we're doing it. Boomers wanted stability and security after their parents lacked both during the war. Gen X wanted to balance career ambitions with personal priorities after se...

Here's a reminder: even if the past was painful or the future is daunting, it doesn't mean the present moment is ruined. I laughed listening to a podcast in which Dr Jeremy Goldberg says "Just because Mercury is in Gatorade doesn't mean you get a free pass to be miserable." But that is probably the most eloquent (millennial) way of saying who you are does not depend on external circumstances or even internal emotions. There is always a choice in how you respond. Why not choose happiness over heartbreak right now? You might have been betrayed yesterday and you might be worried you'll never love again - but right now, in this moment, you can allow yourself a little peace and joy. Why not choose compassion instead of blame? You lost your job. Instead of blame, just chalk it up to not being a good fit and treating yourself with kindness as you remember you are not your job. You might feel a lot of fear about what's next. Allow for the possibil...