Summer is always my time to re-connect with my daughter. The pace is slower, the weather is conducive to good moods and renewed energy. We have more time to spend together, and there are more opportunities for engaging in meaningful conversations and new experiences.
Naturally, as we navigate the ever changing landscape of needs and wants, personality and values, I ask myself what my guiding parenting principles are. What am I hoping to achieve? This helps me narrow my focus on important goals, but also, reminds me to delight in and savour certain moments.
Certainly a big part of parenting is teaching, but an even bigger part is sitting back and reveling in the wonder that is another human being growing up and making their way through daily life.
I try to be a conscious parent. I try to think of why I react a certain way, or why I feel the need to have my child behave a certain way. I try to empathize with all the emotions and behaviours my daughter engages in, too. I am reflective by nature, but more so by practice now. Why? You cannot parent mindlessly. You'll either exhaust yourself by doing, or disengage completely.
So what is my mission as a parent? Although, this too, like all of life, is fluid and flexible, there are two roots that I want to firmly plant:
Self efficacy - allowing my daughter to discover that her own actions lead to results. This means giving her tasks and sitting back while she attempts them. It means chores and responsibilities. It means creating opportunities to try new things, to be brave and to explore how much she can influence the world around her and the outcomes of her efforts.
The Hippocratic oath - trying my best not to do any harm. By this, I mean providing my daughter with the unconditional love and acceptance each human being needs to develop a sense of self worth that is not egoistic, transient or rooted in external factors.
It's pretty simple, although the words are big. It's really sort of old-fashioned if you think about it. But it encompasses everything I think she needs at this moment in time.
Sometimes you can get stuck in a relationship: You're in a constant state of trigger (fight/ flight/ freeze) instead of feeling intimately connected You've become two old stories instead of two open hearts You're scared or angry most of the time instead of feeling free and authentic It's heavy and complicated instead of light and playful There is more effort placed on control and strategy than growth and gratitude You are there because of a commitment, because you feel you “should”, not because you want to be. What can you do? You basically have 3 options: 1. Stay . Continue the slow, painful process of losing yourself in order to keep the relationship. 2. Let it go . Sacrifice your relationship to save your soul. 3. Change . You both have to be willing and capable of growing together. The goal here is to see if you can get back to love without sacrificing your authentic selves in the process. To do this, you must remove the idea of promises, attachment...
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