Reconciling love and desire

You can’t play when you’re vigilant. You can’t play when you’re anxious. You can’t play when you’re fearful. 

Where desire is lacking, it is due to the trauma of being punished in some way for following your desires. Being scolded, reprimanded, restricted, unmet, when you return from your exploration of the world. So naturally, one learns to sacrifice their freedom for the sake of connection. There is love, responsibility, stability, security... but there is no desire, no mystery, no play. Because where there is desire, there cannot be the responsibility for the feelings of the other. 

So the task becomes to reconcile the two concepts. To get in touch with yourself, your identity, your wants, and remain connected, and be a loving partner. To separate and come together. To bring back to life the romance that lies dormant while you are taking care of responsibilities. This is the challenge of long term relationships. 

I find it is harder where there is trauma involved, because the trauma compels one to seek security, dependability, permanence, stability, closeness, above all else. So there is little opportunity for guilt-free adventure, novelty, mystery, risk, surprise, etc. And yet a passionate marriage requires both love and desire. You are attracted to another when you see their individuality, when you experience their confidence, see their self-sustainability, and are in touch with your own identity and imagination. Love has more to do with meeting needs and caring for another, with comfort and closeness. Where couples can play in both the worlds of love and desire, is where the magic happens.