Resonance and Collaboration

Connection is made of resonance and collaboration.

RESONANCE

"What we call chemistry – whether it’s romantic or professional – is actually more of a resonance, a matching of signals and personal vibrations. Our personal energy moves outward from us and connects with others of like resonance, determining both whom and what we’ll attract in life. Each of us is like a little radio station, constantly broadcasting signals about our self and our life. The people and situations that match those signals are the ones that will tune in to us and be drawn into our life experience."

There are three major ways that your personal resonance is created:

1. Through your emotional energy, or the vibrations of your feelings
2. Through your cognitive energy, or the vibrations of your thoughts
3. Through your physical energy, or the vibrations of your body

COLLABORATION

The second part of connection is fostering a culture of loving collaboration. When interacting with others, there are three usual patterns:

• Adversarial - attacks and defensiveness
• Withdrawn - caution, avoidance, de-vitalization
• Collaborative / Empathetic - admission, acknowledgement, tenderness, loving responsiveness

We're all familiar with the first two. Anyone who's ever experienced conflict has either been adversarial or withdrawn. Both are protective mechanisms.

By contrast, in a collaborative interaction, we are responsible for becoming aware of our own "leading edge feeling" - the core need that is being triggered. When we experience a loss of voice, or struggle to find the courage to express this need, it is once again our responsibility to push past it and share it, vulnerably, kindly and respectfully.

It is the other person's responsibility to create an environment where there is respect for your deeper feelings. A loving, supportive partner should provide you with the time and space and safety necessary so that you can feel free enough to express yourself. Ultimately, the true benefit of collaborative / empathetic relating is the relief felt at expressing your deepest needs and desires, and the relief of being heard and understood. The best gift someone can give you is to respond in a compassionate and curious way.

We've all felt how unsettling and incomplete an interaction feels when when your real feelings don't come out or your message doesn't come across to the other. Being misunderstood, disrespected and judged are some of the most painful human experiences. They can invalidate our entire existence if done frequently. In the same way, having collaborative, empathetic interactions are like a stamp of approval on our souls.

If I can leave you with a few parting words of wisdom from lessons learned the hard way:

• Resonance cannot be faked. The best way to attract what you desire is to become it. 
• Attraction will propel you to meet each other on the bridge. But collaboration is what builds a beautiful space for your relationship to live in, even as you both maintain different identities. 
• Learn to listen to your partner as though it is the very first time they've spoken to you. Pretend they are inviting you into their home for the first time and be a respectful visitor. 
• Similarly, learn how to properly invite your partner into your inner world and be a gracious host. 
• Relationships are where you go to give - not to receive. If your focus is on sharing the love you have with someone who also has a lot of love to share with you back, you're on the right track. 
• Express the inner struggle you're trying to cope with instead of trying to compensate for it.
• Don't turn your inner struggle into an accusation directed at the other partner but also, don't let it silence you. Find a way to empathize with yourself about it and share it. 
• Recover and repair from the exaggerations that came out while you were struggling to get to the real issue. You'll find relief - even if it "kills the moment" or creates an "uncomfortable conversation". 
• Intimacy is built between two people sharing what's alive for them at the moment. 
• Warm, sympathetic, compassionate, empathetic, facilitating environments help you to discover new things about yourself, your partner and your relationship. 
• The gift of relationship is to provide the safe groundwork where both people can grow. 
• If you love yourself you can have a loving relationship. However, it is also true that if you feel loved, you can begin to love yourself.