That must sound like an oxymoron. Who's ever had a "good fight"? When is a difficult conversation ever pleasant? I know it sounds crazy, but it is possible and I've experienced it! A good conflict discussion happens when these things are evident, regardless of the topic at hand:
PRESENCE - We're both paying attention, being open minded and open-hearted, genuinely interested and curious, fully focused and immersed in the interaction.
ATTUNEMENT - I'm mindful of what I'm thinking and feeling, and what that means; as well as mindful of what you think and feel and what that means for you. It requires effort not to react to behaviour, and instead try to understand the deeper hopes, longings, desires, fears, feelings and perceptions each person brings to the table. That effort is made possible by deep feelings of mutual affection, respect and safety.
RESONANCE - Allowing someone's internal world to influence yours. I am changed because of you, and you feel felt. Similarly you are changed because of me and I feel felt. We've both chosen to respond with love, instead of react out of fear, anger, disappointment, etc. This allows us to connect from two "me" identities into a "we" identity, where we both matter and we both want the best for one another.
TRUST - That beautiful shift from reactivity to receptivity: when you relax, you feel a deep sense of joy and peace, there has been an expansion in your heart and in your mind, so that you are now even more open to connecting and you start to deeply trust one another to meet each other's needs. This is also where the hallmark of healthy relating can begin: play. You can now start to enjoy each other's company without waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Ultimately, the glue that holds a relationship together is not how often you have difficult discussions, but how you treat each other and how you both feel during disagreements, difficult moments and challenging times.
I know I'm a huge believer in positive feelings, outlook and behaviours. That doesn't mean I bury my head in the sand and avoid difficult discussions. In fact, it's the opposite. I know the difficult discussions and the uncomfortable interactions ARE the relationship - but the way you go about them either take you to a better place, or a terrible place. I've been to both destinations and I definitely have a favourite. That's made me mindful about when, how and why I engage in challenging conversations.
So I urge you to ask yourself too, what matters most in your interactions and conflict discussions with other people?
The impact of your words and reactions or your intent?
The process or the content of the discussion?
Facts or feelings?
The contribution you make or the outcome?
Your efforts to understand or getting to the resolution you desire?
Curiosity about what lies beneath or having a sense of certainty?
Finding creative solutions or using protective defenses?
Good luck and good fights ahead.
PRESENCE - We're both paying attention, being open minded and open-hearted, genuinely interested and curious, fully focused and immersed in the interaction.
ATTUNEMENT - I'm mindful of what I'm thinking and feeling, and what that means; as well as mindful of what you think and feel and what that means for you. It requires effort not to react to behaviour, and instead try to understand the deeper hopes, longings, desires, fears, feelings and perceptions each person brings to the table. That effort is made possible by deep feelings of mutual affection, respect and safety.
RESONANCE - Allowing someone's internal world to influence yours. I am changed because of you, and you feel felt. Similarly you are changed because of me and I feel felt. We've both chosen to respond with love, instead of react out of fear, anger, disappointment, etc. This allows us to connect from two "me" identities into a "we" identity, where we both matter and we both want the best for one another.
TRUST - That beautiful shift from reactivity to receptivity: when you relax, you feel a deep sense of joy and peace, there has been an expansion in your heart and in your mind, so that you are now even more open to connecting and you start to deeply trust one another to meet each other's needs. This is also where the hallmark of healthy relating can begin: play. You can now start to enjoy each other's company without waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Ultimately, the glue that holds a relationship together is not how often you have difficult discussions, but how you treat each other and how you both feel during disagreements, difficult moments and challenging times.
I know I'm a huge believer in positive feelings, outlook and behaviours. That doesn't mean I bury my head in the sand and avoid difficult discussions. In fact, it's the opposite. I know the difficult discussions and the uncomfortable interactions ARE the relationship - but the way you go about them either take you to a better place, or a terrible place. I've been to both destinations and I definitely have a favourite. That's made me mindful about when, how and why I engage in challenging conversations.
So I urge you to ask yourself too, what matters most in your interactions and conflict discussions with other people?
The impact of your words and reactions or your intent?
The process or the content of the discussion?
Facts or feelings?
The contribution you make or the outcome?
Your efforts to understand or getting to the resolution you desire?
Curiosity about what lies beneath or having a sense of certainty?
Finding creative solutions or using protective defenses?
Good luck and good fights ahead.
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