I always think I'm fine, until I see you again, or speak to you: until you're close. Sometimes, I can feel you. A memory, a sound, a taste and I'm transported back to you. And then, my body responds to you on a cellular level. I come back to life, to feeling, to euphoria and pain.
The air between us is heavy with the burden of all the words left unspoken.
We pretend, you and I, and we are far too good at it. We lie to the others but we've even succeeded in convincing ourselves we're ok.
Of course, I think of you... All the time, even when I don't reach out. To forget you would be to forget the best of me, all I ever wanted to be.
See, it's like this.
I was crouched over, sitting in the darkness, in a corner of the abandoned home that imprisoned me. I was just rocking back and forth, holding myself tight, holding myself together, for fear if I let go, every piece would fall apart and I would come undone.
You must have heard my cries and mistaken them for a siren's call. But I could never hurt you.
You came in tentative, and yet, unstoppable, pulled forward like a magnet. As you inched closer, my heart recognized yours, because I was made with the same hunger in my soul. Meeting at last, these two hearts began to dance, orbiting one another faster and faster in a blur, until one would be hard pressed to tell where one ended and the other began.
You picked me up off the floor, gently, carefully, tenderly. You set about the business of opening every window and every door until the light was flooding in, and every corner was exposed.
The sun warmed me, and the breeze blew softly in my hair. I smelled the flowers and the trees, I heard the blue birds singing. Your smiling face, your loving hands - these were all around me, everywhere.
And I could rest at last. I could laugh. I could have stayed in that moment, frozen in time, forever with you.
But suddenly you were gone, or gradually, I do not know. Only that the invisible string that connected us stretched further and further. I could not tug on it. You had given enough.
But I stood there wondering if I should shut every door and window back up again, or stand in the light, waiting for your return forever.
Sometimes you can get stuck in a relationship: You're in a constant state of trigger (fight/ flight/ freeze) instead of feeling intimately connected You've become two old stories instead of two open hearts You're scared or angry most of the time instead of feeling free and authentic It's heavy and complicated instead of light and playful There is more effort placed on control and strategy than growth and gratitude You are there because of a commitment, because you feel you “should”, not because you want to be. What can you do? You basically have 3 options: 1. Stay . Continue the slow, painful process of losing yourself in order to keep the relationship. 2. Let it go . Sacrifice your relationship to save your soul. 3. Change . You both have to be willing and capable of growing together. The goal here is to see if you can get back to love without sacrificing your authentic selves in the process. To do this, you must remove the idea of promises, attachment...
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