Someone is sobbing. Or raging uncontrollably. Or talking so fast you can't even get their attention if the building was on fire.
As someone who is married to a highly reactive individual, here are my tips for dealing with emotionally charged moments:
1. Stay calm. If one of you is operating from a prehistoric fear - that doesn't mean the other needs to respond in the same way.
2. Don't try to rationalize why they shouldn't feel this way, or act this way, or yell about the seemingly insignificant detail that's got them worked up. Just don't. You will think it, and want to say something. You must resist.
3. Ask them (kindly) to speak more slowly, so you can understand. Notice I didn't say "stop yelling" - that doesn't work. "Calm down", "relax" or any other variation are actually more infuriating than saying nothing at all.
4. Let them know you're on their side. You can say "I want to help", or "I get it"... Be sympathetic. Don't try to talk people out of their state. Just meet them there and try to soothe them.
5. Ask a question that's designed to prompt rational thinking. If you're thinking, you're in the frontal cortex and not the reptilian brain that's triggered to attack or flee. This will create a pause, and allow you to steer the conversation towards a more productive discussion.
6. DO NOT LECTURE. This is just a veiled attempt at dominating the situation. This will be felt as an attack and it will escalate things again.
7. Let the other person have the last word (and don't take it personally).
When you approach difficult discussions by trying to understand and share in the experience of another person, it becomes less about how they make you feel, and more about them. This leads you away from judgement and into compassion. Until people are calm and can think objectively about the "why" behind the emotional reactivity, they are not actually ready to have that difficult conversation.
As someone who is married to a highly reactive individual, here are my tips for dealing with emotionally charged moments:
1. Stay calm. If one of you is operating from a prehistoric fear - that doesn't mean the other needs to respond in the same way.
2. Don't try to rationalize why they shouldn't feel this way, or act this way, or yell about the seemingly insignificant detail that's got them worked up. Just don't. You will think it, and want to say something. You must resist.
3. Ask them (kindly) to speak more slowly, so you can understand. Notice I didn't say "stop yelling" - that doesn't work. "Calm down", "relax" or any other variation are actually more infuriating than saying nothing at all.
4. Let them know you're on their side. You can say "I want to help", or "I get it"... Be sympathetic. Don't try to talk people out of their state. Just meet them there and try to soothe them.
5. Ask a question that's designed to prompt rational thinking. If you're thinking, you're in the frontal cortex and not the reptilian brain that's triggered to attack or flee. This will create a pause, and allow you to steer the conversation towards a more productive discussion.
6. DO NOT LECTURE. This is just a veiled attempt at dominating the situation. This will be felt as an attack and it will escalate things again.
7. Let the other person have the last word (and don't take it personally).
When you approach difficult discussions by trying to understand and share in the experience of another person, it becomes less about how they make you feel, and more about them. This leads you away from judgement and into compassion. Until people are calm and can think objectively about the "why" behind the emotional reactivity, they are not actually ready to have that difficult conversation.
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