"Perfectionism is just fear in haute couture shoes."
- Elizabeth Gilbert,
Author of "Eat, Pray, Love"
There are two basic fears in relationships:
- Elizabeth Gilbert,
Author of "Eat, Pray, Love"
There are two basic fears in relationships:
Fear of abandonment – stemming from inconsistent or
dismissive responses from those who were supposed to love you as a child
Fear of engulfment – stemming from intrusive over-management and controlling criticism from your caregiver
These fears will manifest in different ways. Are you aware of how your fears are shaping the way you show up in your relationships?
Someone with a fear of abandonment will have an anxious attachment style, constantly seeking confirmation that they are loved, accepted, important. Consistent responses from a partner will help them feel more secure, but it will be a long, arduous journey. There is necessary personal work that needs to happen for this person: namely the development of an inherent self-worth, compassion and self-soothing and learning stop hustling so much for the love and approval of others. This means they desperately need to build a rich inner and outer life, learn self-care and setting effective boundaries before engaging in a relationship.
Someone with a fear of engulfment is so used to someone trying to control them, they are constantly trying to ensure no one is going to suffocate them.They'd like an intimate relationship, but not at the expense of the self. They are very good at self care and meeting their own needs. The problem is, they are too good at it. They can come across as selfish, closed off, inconsiderate. They are simply working very hard to protect themselves. This type of partner needs to learn to identify where their fears stem from and ensure they are not associating a loving partner with an overly critical parent and reacting from the past. Their primary work must be done in learning to connect with someone on a deeper level by opening up and letting the relationship and the needs of the other supersede their own sometimes. They need space and freedom and must learn to communicate this to their partner in a non-threatening way.
I have my own opinions on these fears - I strongly believe anxious and avoidants together make for very toxic, tiring and frustrating partnerships. Some therapists believe so long as both partners are aware of their fears and attachment styles, they can commit to learning how to navigate these patterns together. From my perspective, relationships can be easy or they can be hard - so perhaps the most important thing to take away here is, by understanding yourself and your fears, you will learn to identify what will trigger you, what you need, and how to pick a partner that can deliver, instead of someone who will continue playing out your fears over and over again.
Someone with a fear of abandonment will have an anxious attachment style, constantly seeking confirmation that they are loved, accepted, important. Consistent responses from a partner will help them feel more secure, but it will be a long, arduous journey. There is necessary personal work that needs to happen for this person: namely the development of an inherent self-worth, compassion and self-soothing and learning stop hustling so much for the love and approval of others. This means they desperately need to build a rich inner and outer life, learn self-care and setting effective boundaries before engaging in a relationship.
Someone with a fear of engulfment is so used to someone trying to control them, they are constantly trying to ensure no one is going to suffocate them.They'd like an intimate relationship, but not at the expense of the self. They are very good at self care and meeting their own needs. The problem is, they are too good at it. They can come across as selfish, closed off, inconsiderate. They are simply working very hard to protect themselves. This type of partner needs to learn to identify where their fears stem from and ensure they are not associating a loving partner with an overly critical parent and reacting from the past. Their primary work must be done in learning to connect with someone on a deeper level by opening up and letting the relationship and the needs of the other supersede their own sometimes. They need space and freedom and must learn to communicate this to their partner in a non-threatening way.
I have my own opinions on these fears - I strongly believe anxious and avoidants together make for very toxic, tiring and frustrating partnerships. Some therapists believe so long as both partners are aware of their fears and attachment styles, they can commit to learning how to navigate these patterns together. From my perspective, relationships can be easy or they can be hard - so perhaps the most important thing to take away here is, by understanding yourself and your fears, you will learn to identify what will trigger you, what you need, and how to pick a partner that can deliver, instead of someone who will continue playing out your fears over and over again.
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